Droplets
by WhenAnxietyKicksIn
Summary: This is not the type you read for fun. Run before you get hooked to Shizuru's web of misery. Read and judge for yourself.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: MH and its characters are not mine.

I'm trying to write differently.

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><p>Her lips on mine once again for a brief moment after so long. I wanted it. I craved for it. But somehow, it doesn't feel enough.<p>

"I missed you, Shizuru." She says in between breaths as she finds her way in between my shirt. Fondling. Caressing. Every flesh of me. It should feel right. It should feel great. But it doesn't.

I feel dirty.

I don't say that though. I don't get to say anything. She has every right to do what she does to me, threefold or tenfold. It doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I reciprocate. So I did. I reciprocate to her touches and into her advances. I don't try to stop my soul from giving itself to her in blank sheet. I don't try to hide the base of my iceberg. I don't try to. Because I know I've already given her all that I am two years ago, in this very same dark room. In this very same dark room filled with alluring though nauseating perfume.

I only stop when she stops.

I give in when she asks.

I will do whatever she wants not because it was expected of me...Yes, it is expected. But my heart also desires it. Every single bit of it. Every single part of her. My heart. My body. My soul. Craves for it.

Then we are done.

Scratch that. She was done.

She was sated; at least she looks like it. But I'm not. After her hands left my body, I felt bereft. I wanted it again, and again. I want to surrender myself to her once again. In whatever form. In whatever shape. Just so she would touch me again.

My mouth was about to say the forbidden words formed inside my head when she says, "I'll see you again."

It was not a question but a statement. A statement I'm ambivalent about. I'm happy that she'll see and touch me again, but in what capacity? I'm stricken.

She writes another check and rips it almost immediately. She hands it to me carelessly and walks off without another look. I know what is written there. I've received it countless of times to know what she has written there. I know exactly how many numerical numbers are in there. I know exactly how she signs her name. If I wanted to I can forge her checks since day one. I'll not do that. Even if I'm starving or dying, I won't do that to her.

The heart that I've lost years ago cannot do that to _her_.

As I pick up the check on the floor, I mumble the words expected out of me. "Thank you for coming, Kuga-sama."

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><p>I'm reading a sad story when an emotion I cannot define flowed into me which led to this. Happy? Sad? Confused? I bet you are. Tell me which is which or you can choose to stay quiet and be a lurker like always. I am sad but it's your life.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: MH and its characters belong to someone else. I only own my pathetic imagination and poor writing skills. So don't bother copying this story (not that I think anyone would try). It's not worth the effort.

**A/N: Err...Hi? WhenAnxietyKicksIn is anxiously here again...**

To the old and new readers, welcome. Thank you for taking your time and reading Droplets. **FYI to the new readers: This story is set in a very excruciating slow pace and a bit more on the emotional side, so if you can't handle either of the two, do yourself a favor and discontinue reading.**

Still interested? Good. Then please do enjoy~

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><p><em><strong>Droplets<strong>_

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**2**

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When I accepted this job, I accepted my fate. The fate which would lead to the most filthy path one has to take. I took it, all reluctantly. I had no choice. Yes, people would say you always have a choice. I, on the other hand, really do not.

For one, I have to eat and drink. I need shelter. I need stuff. I need every basic necessities a person has the right to receive. I've lost all those rights when I left my roots four years ago. I left not because I was abused or maltreated. I left because I was not loved.

Love.

I had everything I need. Everything I ever wanted... will ever wanted. But I was wrong. So very wrong.

I once lived in a world every girl fancies. Everyone would dream and aspire of. Big mansion, all dress to wear, money to spend, people to see...everything is handed to me at my will. I don't have to do a single thing. The household chores are meant for the maids, I understood it. I was not allowed near them for whatever reason.

I was isolated for years. I only get to mingle with people of the same status. To be honest, I don't like them very much. All of them are pretentious and have hidden agendas beneath their laugh. I longed to acquaint myself to the commoners, to our servants, to the locals who seems to be carefree and true to their feelings.

Feelings.

I've yet to discover what true feelings are...No, I've yet to experience them.

Joy.

Anger.

Sadness.

Love.

Yes, love. What is this emotion?

I've been taught the proper etiquette of a fine lady. I've been taught how to react appropriately. I've been taught how to act accordingly. Then how come they haven't told me how to feel?

At social gatherings, I smile. When someone talks, I listen. During open forums or debates, I participate. I know what to do at these events, but on my own, holding my cup of tea...I do not know what to do. I do not know what to feel exactly.

Relieved?

Happy?

Contented?

They say how lucky I am to be a Fujino.

Lucky? Is that a feeling of feeling absolutely nothing?

If it is, I'm utterly feeling lucky for the past 16 years.

As a Fujino I go to a school of the privilege, I was considered one. I used to feel like one. What changed then?

In a nutshell: I was given everything but felt nothing. This feeling of nothingness brings me...I'm not sure why I bother to even scrutinize it as I can't even define what it is.

One time when I couldn't fall asleep, I thought of how my life has become. I compared it to the life I've seen on cinema. It is normally where the average people would watch the popular movies. I've read and heard about it. But I cannot go there. I'm not allowed to for propriety and security reasons. Also they said I don't need to because we have one built in our home... I meant, house. I apologize.

The choice for films were limited as well. I was not allowed to view the popular movies that are reaped from fiction minds. Mostly are historical or factual documentaries or films about famous personalities. Truthfully I do not care about these dead people whose life stories are being told to me chronologically. Their stories are the same. They started from the bottom, rise into fame, then they fell in love along the way, conflict tangles with their ambitions, life changing choices they have to make, and in the end...In the end, they die or fall in despair because they chose wrongfully or they chose what matters the most just a tad—too late. All the stories, albeit subtle, depicts love and romance. It always has.

Love.

It got me curious. Curiosity was what made me watch those terribly boring films. My thirst for this particular emotion stimulates my interest. Somehow it bothers me. And after watching numerous films about wars, history and such with love having profound impact on the characters...It got me excited. It gave me hope. That maybe even I, whose life is sheltered from the real outside world, from the real people, from what real life has to offer, can maybe...just maybe, can also feel love.

Maybe even I can learn how to love and feel loved.

I waited for it, as I cannot possibly act on it while I'm in this clan. I waited and waited and waited some more. But not surprisingly, it never occurred.

Why is it soldiers in the battlefield can find their only one? Why is it the disabled individuals can meet their other half? Why is it that even the dying can be united with their soulmates?

Do I have to be in a brink of death just so the heavens would pity me and give me something what I've always wanted? I'm not too greedy am I? I'm willing to exchange whatever I have today to fall in love. To love and be loved.

In films and in novels they make falling in love so simple...so natural.

Everything I have and experienced so far are anything but simple and natural. Maybe that's what the problem is? Who I am? Where I am from? My roots? Me, being Shizuru Fujino is a fault?

I have no way to know. I have no one to ask without raising suspicious inquiries. I have nobody to trust but myself. And I trust myself to be patient, as always, and wait.

I'll be patient. And maybe it'll come someday...hopefully.

So I waited for years, exactly two years, till I find myself graduating from high school with the highest recognition. It was expected of a Fujino. I, for one, never wanted to fail at anything as well. It was embedded in my skin to be competitive and to be the very best.

As I share my piece as the class valedictorian, I saw two figures I've never thought I'd see together in mediocre events such as this—my parents.

Strange.

I'm not sure what to think of their appearance. Usually when they're together it's for some family tradition with awkward people. They never got along to be civil for more than half an hour. At best, one would leave before the other could make a harsh comment and that would get ugly.

Ugly.

That is unbefitting of the Fujino clan. Hence, they avoid any conflict however fake it can be. Both of them got together because of an arranged marriage.

Marriage. I'm smart enough to know what it meant and what it will mean for me.

Realization befalls on me: _The day has come for me._

And yes, it seems the inevitable day has come. The day that I'll meet my future husband. In tow of my parents and several bodyguards, is a man wearing an impeccable expensive suit. He looks very kind and handsome. I'm sure he is from an influential, possibly old, clan like us.

I walked towards them; my feet are more planted heavily as I slowly reach their place.

Three more steps.

Two more steps.

One more...

I stopped.

Is this what I want in my life? Is he the one who'll end my conquest for love? Will he be the one to teach me how to feel? Or will this step towards them commit me to another decade of endless void?

I paused and looked at my parents.

Do I want to be like them? Arranged by marriage. Chained by marriage. Imprisoned by marriage.

No, definitely not.

I turned and looked at my younger brother, Yukio. He is younger to me by two years, although he acts around the others like a thirty year old, and to me, like an eleven year old. He always said he loves me dearly. How I wish I could feel what he feels. If I could feel anything, any sort of emotion such as care for this clan, I'd care for Yukio. For him, alone.

But I cannot simply drag myself once again back to that extravagant house, to those rich people, to this protective family... I simply cannot.

I'm tired of longing.

I'm tired of waiting.

And most of all, I'm tired of feeling nothing.

Thus, I initiated an action which has never heard of a Fujino: I walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: No, clever remarks. I simply don't own Shiznat.

I recently attended this class called Idon'tgiveadamn.

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><p><em><strong>Droplets<strong>_

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**3**

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It has been weeks since she came. I wonder when will she come? I do not ask for the fear she'd stop coming altogether. For the fear she'll become wary of my presence.

For years I've mastered to become something I was not. For years I've convinced myself that the day would come I'll feel something. For years I've waited for the right person to help or save me from this conquest.

I stepped out of my old suffocating life and entered this unknown adventure away from home. I meant, house. Far away from that prison. I know that no one from our clan would dare look for me here. No one in our rank would dare think I'd enter such world. It's the sole reason why I entered it in the first place. For I know, they won't look for me here.

Here.

It's a fairly civilized town, half an hour away from the main city. I entered the local college under a false identity. It's not a university and they're not really strict with the admission. I'm certain they won't mind a bit of pretence. I wanted to study because even though I was bored in my life as a Fujino, I'm truthfully interested and inclined in learning.

I sold almost everything I originally own to a peddler before I left my hometown. It is hard to partake to things you've learned to cherish for years, but I know I need the money to fend for myself.

The only jewellery left on me is the family heirloom of the Fujino clan. It's a priceless necklace passed through generations of Fujino offsprings who are meant to be the head in the future. I was the eldest and a woman. And a woman can never be the head of the clan, how strong she may be. I'm holding it though I'm supposed to pass it to my younger brother when he is at right age.

Given that I've left before I could leave it to him, it pains me dearly. I know how much he cared for the family. All the mature and civilized acts just so he could be recognized and to be revered. It pains me that he always has to be in my shadow. People would see me first even though I'm doing nothing wherein he has to extend his practice and study sessions for him to catch up with me. His insecurities, pains me. He does not bear me ill will because he understands how the system works. As I said, the boy cherishes me and I cherish him as much as I can. Not the same as he does, but he understands. He is a very understanding boy and it pains me to leave him in that world. In that awful world while I still cradle the key to his dream of leading the clan around my neck. I wish I could give it to him. I wish I could have handed to him before I left. I wish I could have answered those questions in his eyes before I turned around and left.

It pains me to bring so much pain unintentionally.

Pain. It seems I've learned this emotion quite well after I left. This should be triumph for me as I longed to feel, but this pain...this feeling, I do not want to deal it anymore. I do not want to master pain.

I cannot change the past ergo I decided that I'll move forward. I learned how to settle in this small town and tried so hard back to adapt the normal ways of life. I observed and sometimes followed the tradition of the common. Far different from what I've taught and yet they're refreshing. It doesn't bring too much responsibility, too much restrictions, too much of everything.

For the first time in years I've learn how to be free.

Two years has gone passed when suddenly I'm struck with a real dilemma. A dilemma which is unheard of a Fujino.

I need money.

The money which I gained from selling my properties won't allow me to finish my college. It won't allow me to live to this place I've grown to like. It won't allow me to finish my conquest which is still in slow progress.

I need money.

For the first time in my life I needed money. For the first time in my life I cannot afford a single luxury. For the first time in my life I have to be frugal. For the first time in my life I needed to work.

I know I need to earn money for my food, shelter and education. But what I do not know is how to actually get one. I've never work a day in my life. Since I've living away from the clan I've done household chores unheard of a Fujino. But I do all those to live the life I wanted to live. However, working to make a living is another matter.

I'm so confused that I let my feet dragged me. I walked without a clear destination. I allowed an unknown energy so strong lead me to this place where a Fujino does not belong.

I know I'll be no longer a Shizuru Fujino once I step into this plane.

_I'm no longer a Fujino._

_I'm no Shizuru-sama._

_I'm..._

"Welcome to Majesty! We're here to please and make your dreams come true. What's your name madam?"

Indeed. Who am I?


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own MH or anything for that matter except maybe for these tattered clothes I'm currently wearing.

To the old readers: just think of this as a rewind :p

To Anne, yes I've received your hot choco and considering the weather, may I have another dozen or so? :) I love chocolate and mangoes so bribe me with these and I shall be, more or less, cooperative :p To Maow, I'm highly amused with your wacky comment (surf and pickachu lol) and thus, I'm dedicating this chapter to you albeit this is a re-post. Btw, what do you mean by 'Then your story shall be legal to drink with'? (bec. it's 21?) To she-who-must-not-be-named, indeed I am back and I shall expect a playlist from you once again ;)

Thanks to everyone who are very nice and considerate. And to the haters...God bless.

P.S.

My friend (Nat) and I had a friendly banter regarding whose penmanship is worse...so then I had this idea of writing a chapter and/or my response to anons in order to save space here. I'm thinking of posting it in my fb...don't worry I'll make it public so everyone can see. Anyway, so my plan is to write Droplets 21 this coming weekend and I'll take a picture (scanner is broken) of my handwriting... *insert evil laugh* Good luck~

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><p><em><strong>Droplets<strong>_

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**4**

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A room devoid of color engulfs me for a second. For a second I echo my fear with a dreary 'hello'. Someone is coming I feel it. Stepping on the wooden pavement down below, I hear the footsteps coming. This is it.

My judgement.

"Come inside, I'm expecting you." The voice says.

Where? Where is this inside? I can't see a thing. My hands fumble for a surface to reach. Anything to touch, anything real to be certain I'm not falling into the abyss.

The door opens slightly, letting me have a peek of what's inside. Red. All I can see is red. I step inside with apprehension. I bit my lip with comprehension. This is it.

My choice.

"I hear you wanted to work with us." The voice now with a beautiful face to accompany tells me.

I nod in agreement. My heart is beating twice than normal. My breathing is deeper than normal. My thinking is clear. This is it.

My new life.

"Honey, do you know what we do here exactly?" She gives me a probing look. Drinking my reaction as they appear.

I feel uncomfortable. I've never felt so _cornered_ in my life. I feel like I'm a fabric delicately being scrutinized by those blue orbs. I feel uncomfortable but I feel it is right.

I understand.

"Yes, I do." I speak for the first time.

Blue pair continues to digest my words. This time I reciprocate by staring back. Showing my resolute. Letting her see a piece of my soul through my eyes. She smiles briefly.

She understands.

Somehow she understands that I'm lost in this world. That I'm here in a mission to connect. To feel. To live.

"I know those eyes perfectly." She breathes deeply. "I know them too well."

Then I see it too. In her blue orbs, I partially see my current state. In her blue orbs, miraculously mirrors my crimsons.

We both understand each other.

"You are aware of the consequences?"

I reply with my eyes. Words are not needed to verify my resolve.

"Very well then, welcome to our club."

Finally.

I took the greatest lunge in my life.

And I feel so... _alive_.

Alive.

Finally.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I always find myself writing this even though I feel like I don't have to. It's like a bad habit I cannot quit. Anyway, I don't own Shiznat.

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><p><em><strong>Droplets<strong>_

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**5**

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Two years ago. It was two years ago when I decided to step into this world. Of what exactly? I ask myself constantly. Till now I'm not sure, but what I do know is that I made the right decision. In here, engulfed by darkness, illuminated by glimpse of lights, I am free.

In here I am truly free.

That's what I believe and feel. Until now, that is. Whenever her arrival comes around I feel somewhat possessed, not in control of my feelings, and not free. I wish to see and feel every part of her in every sense possible. She's like the most delectable chocolate…and I'm addicted. I am constantly being lured by her charm in her alluring cage wherein I get trap into ecstasy.

In her grasp I'm not free, but still I wanted to be within her reach.

I am here waiting for her, as I always do. Every night I wait for her to step into that very same entrance door she came into those years ago. I wish she comes here every night, but she doesn't. Despite this, I still wait for her every single night. It was the day I accepted this position, this job, this biggest change in my life.

The owner treats her employees as family. Her name is Daisy, she's a foreigner that much is obvious from her straight, blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. I knew she was different not because she has an establishment that is being frown upon by the public, but because she takes people like us who are at lost and without hesitations, gave us a home.

A home we could be free and safe.

From who? From what exactly? It differs. I am not at liberty to say for everyone whom I've worked with, but I can say that this club became a refuge for those who cannot return home or those who doesn't know where to go home anymore. In here you do not need to tell where you're from. In here you do not need to reason out your actions. In here you do not to face the past, rather they'll help you to stand up on your own and move forward.

They're not just faceless strangers I happen to work or live with… They've become a family I wished I had all those years ago. Truth be told, they're the cause why I feel fortunate to have made this decision.

My actions, thoughts, decisions and such are not calculated. I have ideas and opinions of my own and I could say it out in the open if I wanted to. Though it may sound as the paradise with never ending peace. It's not always like that. When you've received the cruelty of the world, you'll have an inkling of not accepting things that are going well…very well. You'll always have this idea that it will not last forever.

Cynical to a point. Pessissmist with justification. Pragmatic at its best.

You need all three to survive. To learn how to get by. To be an independent. To not let others push you around and do as they say.

In this club, we have small petty disputes which are confronted and settled within the day. There's an unspoken rule that you cannot rest the night away with a heavy conscience. It's enough that you have a past you want to forget. We neet not to dampen our burdens even further by making things complicated.

This is our home. Our refuge. The lost souls' secret haven.

The club's name, Majesty, is not understatement. As heavily charming our facilities are, we are not forced to do we are not comfortable with. There's a red tag tied onto our right wrist if we are not supposed to be offered in 'that' way. The customers, new and old, are aware of this. Violators, sober or inebriated, are thrown out when proven guilty. This is the only rule that is fully enforced in this place, other than that, the customer are free to flirt away.

Flirting, it seems, has become my specialty. Years of living with a lie to polish the name of our clan made me into a person who can easily put a mask without even thinking about it. This mask was not made from precious gems or stones, it was created from the imagination of the one I'm talking with. I put up an appropriate mask suited for the right person. A doting daughter to my parents, a caring sister to my brother, a kind master to our helpers, a respected classmate…and the list goes on.

A mask is embedded to fool, to charm the other. A front so that the outsiders won't see that the person who wields the mask is crying, crumbling, and slowly dying inside. Trapped in a voidless space with no escape.

That is me-trapped. Caged like a bird with a window to mock me of the hope…outside.

Outside.

What does the outside really looks like nowadays? I rarely go out. I only leave our haven when I needed to attend college. I may have turned into a recluse which was never my intention. Although I find this rather familiar when I was still a Fujino. I never get out on my own, I always have attendants and security by my side. But the outside back then was more duller than today.

Color.

Black and white have more variety.

Taste.

Salty like sea water.

Temperature.

Cold as the breeze during winter season.

It was like I was served a cold soup every time I go out. It was like I was a doll being paraded to a fabricated world. It was like everything is dull and unclear.

Outside.

I have no ounce of liking towards it. I have no intention of liking it.

Then I saw those forest eyes illuminated my haven all those years ago. Her confident swagger silenced the room full of people. Her fragrance attracted several collegues of mine like bees to a sweet flower. But there was I, rooted on the ground, unable to think and see anything but those eyes that were staring back.

She's someone from the outside.

Outside.

I'm starting to like you.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Everything that can be read here are products of my demented mind except for the MH characters. Don't steal or thy shall be corrupted.

This re-post is brought to you by Magnum Chocolate Truffle Ice Cream *nomnomnomnom* :)))

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><p><em><strong>Droplets<strong>_

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**6**

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Her eyes linger to mine from the moment she stepped into our club. Deep greens met my fiery crimson gems. Conveying, transmitting, and sharing a look I vaguely recognize.

It's my first day and I do not know what to do, but when I saw her all I wanted to do was throw myself onto her feet. Please her. Make her smile. Abide to her wishes.

Anything that her heart desires.

She didn't choose me though. She let the others accompany her while I sit in the far-end of the bar—waiting, longing, and wishing for her to choose.

_Choose me._

Others lavish her with treats and sweet words I can't possibly give. What can an empty doll like me could possible offer to someone like her?

Her.

Her eyes are still on me while she drinks, talks, hugs and kisses another. As if she's waiting for me to explode and snatch away from the others' grasp.

I can't. I won't.

Coming here took at least all of the propriety in me into the gutter and I need to leave a little for me. A little for me to be able to breathe, to stand up, to be reborn into something relatively...me.

Me.

I hate this me who clutches onto the hard wood for support. I hate this me who bites her lips in frustration. I hate this me who keeps sitting while I see—finally— something...someone, I truly want and yet, I stay still.

_Be still my heart._

I curse myself in succession as I see her dive into another pair of lips. Her emeralds are still on me with an indescribable look. Then suddenly, oh so suddenly, she demurely closed it...

No!

I stand up involuntarily as I storm in her direction. I push other faceless bodies that are in my way. I walk and then I run like a mad woman.

Maybe I am.

Mad.

Madly in love.

In love.

_With a nameless woman._

"Let me pass!" I yell as I continue traversing the distance between us. Numerous strangers are blocking my destination and it irks me.

Some gave me an odd look as they let me pass and others continued with their 'thing' and did not move an inch which doubled my irritation.

Before I could utter an invective out loud for the first time, I realize that I already reached her place. I'm within her reach. She's within my reach.

_Reach her._

But I did not do such thing.

"Newbie, what are you doing here?" A woman I do not know snarl at me.

"I—"

Should I tell them that I came here because I was...Hold on, what did I feel exactly? Why did I come here?

I stare at them with a blank face. Unable to look at her in the eye, I close mine as I slowly ready myself to return to where I'm rightfully should be—in a corner, alone.

"Wait," she stops me in my flight, gaining her a few stunned faces.

For a moment we just stand there in our own device, unable to look at anyone but ourselves. Sharing something that can't be described in words. Commuting feelings without actions. We are just there. Standing a bit away, staring but seems separated by two great oceans apart.

"Come here," she whispers gently. Her soft voice reaches me even in this incredibly crowded room. The others are staring at us, waiting for someone to...to what exactly?

A woman blocks my way before I manage to take that one vital step towards her. She gives me a calculating glare before saying too sweetly to the woman my heart secretly—no, now openly—desires, "Honey, she's new. Let an expert like me please you in ways she cannot—"

"I'm sure she'll do just fine," my green-eyed beau cuts her off and continues, "I want her."

This triggers a sensation deep inside me. A tingle sensation which excites me.

She wants me.

Wants me.

_Me._

I smile in her admission. I cannot deny that this statement alone brings terrible joy to my soul. I've heard thousands of admiration to my beauty and intelligence, but all these were declared in such a way to catch attention, to varnish their names, and to make themselves feel good.

Never.

Never in my life have I heard someone say that they want me—plain and simple. It's raw and crude in the highest form, but I do not mind. It ignites the pleasure sense in me and for once, I have nothing more that I want than to reciprocate to what she ask.

Everything, I decided.

Everything she wants I'll give. Everything she deserves I'll give. Everything that I can give...I _shall_ give.

And when she captures my lips in such passion without me realizing, the truth finally dawn onto me. The truth that this client—no, this woman—is what I've wanted all along. All this time she is the one I've been waiting for. Even before she said those magical words, somewhere in me already knew that I want her.

No.

I don't merely want her.

I need her.

_Her._


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: This presently hungry but not totally impoverished writer is not the owner of Shiznat.

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><p><em><strong><span>Droplets<span>**_

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**7**

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At last when we are by ourselves, alone, in a fairly larger room, in an instant she divests her simple clothing of t-shirt and jeans. Without any preamble, she pushes me back onto a queen-sized bed while letting her nakedness empower my trembling clothed body.

She notices my anxiety and immediately removes it in my very soul by means of sucking me with her succulent lips. After a full minute of being devoid of my soul, only then did I realize that I am devoid of my clothing as well. She chuckles at my obvious surprise.

"We don't need to waste time," she whispers in my ear with that husky voice that brings shiver to my newly rebirth soul. She proceeds to familiarize herself with my ear and neck with her hot-laden tongue. I can only try to inhibit the sounds from being scandalous than it originally should be by masking it with calculated grunts and tepid moans.

"Do not stop it," she commands as she wasted no time marking my neck with her strong teeth. I prevented the expected shrill to come out and instead I bit my lips. She sees my self-inflicted wound and grimaces over my stubbornness. "I said not to stop it!"

She continues her torture until I could no longer halt the unlikely sounds of surrender and adoration towards her. Endless incorrigible words are spilling out of my mouth because of the way how she handles my body. With care. With concentration. With complete admiration.

Seconds later I am at her mercy. My body moves according to her will. I fear that my bones will break if this continues. But I have no desire to stop her. I wouldn't dare. Not even if it cost me my very life.

"Come with me," she says while we're both in throes of passion. Under the navy-colored duvets, our limbs are now in knots. One cannot distinguish where the beginning and the end is.

Writhing inconclusively because of pleasure as we succumb to what our primary instincts tell us.

Kiss. Lick. Suck.

Sometimes in that order. Sometimes in reverse. Sometimes...I honestly don't care. As long as those lips...or any part of her...touches me.

Inappropriate actions I've heard before, but today I'm doing it all to this woman my heart desires. In between kisses, I lick. In between licking, I suck. In between sucking, I kiss. It's a cycle of making love.

I do it in succession and sometimes, simultaneously. I fear that if I stop even for just one second, her decision to want me would falter. So I meticulously analyze and adore every inch of her skin—even those that I can't see nor touch—to find her sensuous spots. Once I find them, I make sure to remember.

Remember that susceptible part just inches below her right ear.

Remember that her left breast is more sensitive than the right.

Remember that she loves when I worship her spine with my tongue.

Remember that my tongue is the most useful tool I can utilize to bring her extreme pleasure.

"Come with me," she mutters again. I dismiss her proposition with a hungry kiss. The thought of coming with her in ecstasy excites me, but right now all I wanted to do is give her all the pleasure I can give to her. For her to be satisfied. For her to be happy. For her to not regret choosing me.

I snatch her tongue in our battle for dominance. I let myself overpower her with my uncontrollable want for her to become mine.

An odd thought.

Me, wanting to want another person in such a way...In such an earthly manner. Almost too sinful to be related to a Fujino.

_I'm no longer a Fujino._

I reason to myself as I continue my endless siege to her mouth. My hands become forceful to her head, not wanting her to move out of my range or to produce anything that might indicate refusal.

Her refusal will not break my heart. It _shall_ shatter my heart into bits.

"Stop thinking," she says when she got away from my invasion. She did not continue our battle but instead she takes my wrist for an inspection. A ribbon tied onto my wrist and she revels in its softness. "What is this for? I saw that the others had it, and some don't."

My face becomes hot and she notices the change in my color. From the way she licks her now drying lips, I think she likes it. She even blew slightly in my ears before asking the question which I unconsciously forgot because of her seduction.

"Red ribbon tied on the wrist means you..." My embarrassment escalates and for a moment, I thought of foregoing the foreplay and dive into her sweetness, but as I see those eyes with such determination to know. I had no choice but to complete my answer. "Cannot be touched..."

I close my eyes after my admission. It's the rule of the club and everyone who is not comfortable dealing with clients intimately can wear the ribbon. Everyone knew its importance so it means that this person truly is new.

_New just like you but she already managed to capture your heart...effortlessly._

Her invigorating laughter made my meditation disappear. But it didn't last for more than a minute as she looks at me once again with those emerald eyes, though this time it carries a different determination. It seems like she has every intention of devouring me.

I bit my lips in anticipation.

"Then I guess you won't be needing this," she removes the ribbon in a swift manner as she gradually manoeuvres her body to the place I want her to focus on the most.

I can no longer produce a single coherent thought as soon as she reached her destination. And the red ribbon that was once tied on my wrist, is now on the floor...neglected and forgotten, completely.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I...e...no, I don't own Shiznat.

_TGIF!_

Another fyi to the new readers: This story will be in Shizuru's POV from start to finish except for chapter 16.

Enjoy~

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by **

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**8**

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**.**

Since the moment I've left my clan, refused to acknowledge my name, and turned away completely from where I came from, I've also stopped myself for expecting anything.

I don't expect anything to be handed to me with just one word.

I don't expect anything to be good and better than original.

I don't expect anything to fall accordingly to my wishes.

Because it wouldn't be.

Not in this reality.

In this reality where I chose to belong, doesn't revolve around me. It doesn't stop just so to please me. It doesn't wait for my opinion nor changes its pace according to my mood.

In this reality, I have absolutely no control.

At first it was cruel to bear, but I managed to steel myself because I've accepted that this is what I wanted. This is the change I wanted and I have to deal with it.

But if there is one thing that I wish I can have right now, it is her—Natsuki Kuga.

If being a Fujino again means I get to have her, then I'll return. If being here means I get to keep her, I'll stay. If I can have her, then I'll do anything.

_She knows this._

She knows that I wanted her more than anything—there's no need to hide nor refuse this obvious fact, all evidence are presented. Everything is clear when she is near. My eyes are smiling unconditionally. The air is fresh and invigorating.

_She knows this._

She knows that I needed her like a vice. I need her just like I need oxygen to breathe. There is no exaggeration, just the plain truth. I needed to see her or else my day is glum and insignificant. I needed to be close to her to know that life is still worth living for. I needed to be with her, because only when I'm at her side, I feel something…that something which I sought for so long.

_She knows this._

She knows that I'm willing to do everything for her to reciprocate. For her to give me an ounce of her affection, or even possible—her love. There is no need to clarify my feelings, I know for a fact that I'm at her expense, at her command.

_She knows all these but she does…nothing._

Nothing.

She acts the same way she did when we first met—forceful with a touch of gentleness, consuming and yet giving. Whenever she arrives she'll first converse with the others, share with them a glass of wine or two, kiss and make out under the dimming lights. Then when it seems to be right for her, she'll stand up and go to my corner, which she and I know, I usually occupies. She'll smirk in greeting, takes my wrist, and in a steadfast manner, she'll lead us to the room where we first made love.

Made love.

We made love in my opinion, but to her it may be just a release or more crudely…just sex.

I know I should be hurt and feel used, but I certainly do not mind if this very act allows me to be with her. Although I say this, my insides are hurting from the lack of words exchanged between us, even when she does so frequently with others. My heart is twisting in pain whenever she shifts her gaze when our eyes meet, when she has no problems staring with the others. My soul feels so empty as she refuse to intertwine our hands for more than three seconds, when she does so freely with others.

So I began to question myself. _Is it me? Is there something wrong with me?_ _Why can't you choose me…entirely?_

Whenever I try to raise this question or whenever she senses I'll strike a conversation, she'll kiss me. They—her kisses—do wonders to my mind, heart, and soul. Nevertheless, it doesn't erase the truth that this is her way of evading a confrontation between us.

So I allow her to—avoid the looming questions while she devours me and walk away only to come back every other week.

Every other week is the only time I see her.

Weekends.

Saturday.

Night.

Eight o'clock.

All these years the questions kept on piling. It started from, 'What is her name?' Then I found out that she's Natsuki Kuga. _Natsuki,_ I said her name in my head and out loud several times. Then it became general to: 'What does she do for a living?', 'when and where she was born?' And then it became progressively specific like: 'Does she drink tea like me, or is she one of those who drink those bitter-sweet coffee?'

The questions became harder to keep at bay. I wanted to know everything, but I was commanded during our first night: _'Don't probe, just feel._' I acquiesced even with a monstrous protest by my trembling heart.

If I were a Fujino, I will know. No, I _shall_know. No one can come in contact with a Fujino without their background being checked.

_You're not a Fujino, remember?_

_I know._

So I wait.

I shall wait until she thinks I'm fitting to be answered. So for now I'll carry these questions I feel like a burden on my very heart in a pocket somewhere safe in me. In a vault perhaps so that I could retrieve it with ease when she finally gives me the opportunity to get to know her better.

I shall wait as I've done so for two years now. It might take more years but that's fine. I've survived alone–figuratively speaking—and numb under the Fujino roof for more than a decade, and I can wait more for her to properly address me.

I shall wait for her to arrive through those black wooden doors once again just like she do every time, every other week of Saturday night at exactly eight o'clock.

Maybe.

_Maybe this time she'll look at me the way I look at her._

_Maybe this time she'll let me hold her hand._

_Maybe this time she'll answer._

_Maybe this time she'll…_

The hand of the clock strikes midnight and still there's no sign of her. I refuse to stand from my seat and help the others from closing the club. I stare intently at the door and pretend that the old clock is broken. But I know it is not true. The clock is perfectly fine. The club is closing. The door is already closed.

Only after the room was empty and quiet did the painful realization hit me.

_Natsuki didn't come._


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I dreamed that I own them, then I woke up. Geez.

I think the sky is angry at me atm so I'll be posting two or three today to hopefully appease it. As ever, your reviews make me smile and want to write more so thank you.

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**.**

**.**

**Chapter **

**9**

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**.**

**.**

There was a point in my life when I was still a Fujino that I thought about giving up. Giving up this conquest without a fight. Giving up this ridiculous notion that I can, too, have a happy ending. Giving up the fantasy of actually falling in love.

In love.

Love.

For so long I've desired and wished for to fall in love—love and to be loved. And I did, quite sadly. For I have fallen in love with someone who won't love me back.

Back.

She's not back.

_Natsuki Kuga._

The woman who captured my heart with just one look was able to utterly crash it at the same time. How is it possible to feel joy and death at the same time? How?

Whenever she's near my surrounding becomes so captivating that it feels like not an ounce of blinding sunlight can make me close my eyes. Whenever her gaze lands upon me, every nerve and fiber in me shivers in delight that I feel like I'm a giddy twelve-year-old gushing over her neighbour crush. Whenever she place soft kisses onto my lips, my heart not only beats wildly, it comically giggles too. Then when she distances herself once again…the penny drops. I'm woken up in my dream. The reality sinks in.

_The reality wherein..._

She's not into me, just like I'm into her.

_The reality wherein..._

She's not going to like me the way I like her.

_The reality wherein..._

She's not in love with me the way I fell hopelessly for her.

Not chance.

Though these thoughts may be frighteningly true, there is still a big part of me that is hoping that there will come a time that she'll fall in love with me too. Then there's a part of me that shrugs it off, pretending not to be bothered even though I'm under the wire over it all the time. And the worst of it all, the biggest part of me is scared because it knows that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I wish or pray...it will never come true.

Scared.

I am scared that one of these days she'll say the total opposite of what I've longed for, making it all even truer and possibly, more devastating than it actually is.

I am scared that one of these days she'll stay with those women who are more beautiful than me, those who exudes more confidence and life than me.

I am scared the one of these days she'll…leave.

Leave.

_Natsuki didn't come._

I'm being reminded again of this dreadful fact. The realization I've received not more than two hours ago and yet here I am, wide awake strolling aimlessly under the starless but freezing very early Sunday morning. I left the club in daze, not knowing what to do or exactly what to feel, I walked away.

Away.

Perhaps it is for the best?

That she's away and not here. Because to be perfectly honest I'm starting to get tired of this routine, of this dream, of this love I'm hoping to achieve. I say that it's okay to wait patiently just to see, touch, kiss, and just…be with her. But after tonight's cruel turn of events…Frankly, I'm tired.

I'm tired of this roundabout standstill we somehow managed to establish.

I'm tired of these walls around her even in the brink of our intimacy.

I'm tired of the game we constantly ended up playing.

And most of all, I'm tired of waiting…

Waiting for her every other week of Saturday night at exactly eight o'clock.

Waiting for her to collect me from my dark corner after cajoling with other women.

Waiting for her to open her heart to me and let me in.

Just…tired.

Tired.

_A Fujino is strong._My mother would often say.

Somehow I'm being reminded of my past, of the way I used to live, of the way I was expected to lead.

_Sister, you are strong!_My little brother would happily state.

Somehow in my crumbling state, I fear that I am totally not. I'm not even sure if I was strong to begin with.

_You are supposed to be stronger than this._A brave part of me shares in a tiny voice.

Somehow this made me smile despite the tears that are freely running from my eyes—a free fall of emotions I wasn't even aware I've been holding.

All this time I thought I could keep it at bay, keep it on hold, keep it inside. Apparently, there'll always be a time to let go. To let go of these uncertainties, fears, emotions, demons…

_Even the person you love?_

As I now truly crash myself onto the ground in an open park, I find myself questioning this so-called love.

Is it even true? The one I felt? I say that it is…it was, because they…her, made me feel something unlike any before. But what if…what if, I'm making this up? What if I unconsciously fabricated this illusion that I've fallen in love with her? For goodness sakes! I didn't even consider her sexuality because I was so irrational when it comes to her. But really, what if I was purposely willing myself to love her because I was on the verge of surrendering life itself, because I've left my old ways and lived a new just to discover nothing in return? What if this is a farce I'm actively participating without my conscious consent? That I end up fooling myself because I was afraid to face the shameless truth—I'll always be alone.

Alone.

Why can I easily picture myself being alone?

_Why?_

Why do I even try?

Why is this so hard?

Why does it hurt so much?

_Why?_

I don't know what hurts the most—her not showing up, a clear hint that she left for good or that all this time I'm pining for a love that was never there.

I shake my head violently as I let the dam of emotions in me out in the open. I grit my teeth as the river of tears trail the path from my eyes onto the soil below so vigorously. I grab my hair with both hands in frustration as I let the cry of my soul be known.

I let it all out.

_Everything._

Out.

"Why are you crying?"

Everything halted in that precious moment—that precious moment I get to hear her husky and comforting voice, that precious moment I get to see her jet black hair which smells like a breath of fresh air, that precious moment wherein I get to feel again as I see those green orbs I've been secretly looking for all night.

_Finally._

I found her.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: This extremely full and sleepy gal is not the owner of Shiznat.

I encourage everyone to throw their previous notion/s in regards to Shiznat to fully enjoy and understand the story. If you haven't noticed yet, I write mostly AU and OOC, so yeah...If you don't like it, then save yourself and stop reading.

Anyway, I didn't think it'll be such a demanding task to re-post. Ugh. And I've lost some of my notes (i.e. playlist) in the process *sad face* If you (yes, you) remember them, kindly tell me.

Playlist for this chapter (I think?): Set Fire To The Rain by Adele.

P.S.

Chapter 10...we're halfway to the present... :))

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**10**

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"Why are you crying?"

She repeats the question again which cause the pouring rain to become a treacherous storm.

_How?_

How can she stand there so magnificently like she was lent by the sky to shine upon the Earth with her radiance when I'm visibly atrocious to look at in my state?

How can she stand there with such poise and indifference when I'm sitting on the ground praying for it to eat me whole?

How can she stand there and dare ask me such a cruel question when I'm crying my heart out for answers?

I stare again at her splendour with an intention to memorize everything about her in this very moment. Despite the fact that I've already studied and analyzed every single part of her, I still want to embed this image in my mind and heart forever. These very images before me which will remind of the person who did not only let me fall but also smoulder.

Crash and burn.

_In fragments._

_Into ashes._

I will forever remember the smell of the breeze that surrounds us and how it makes me quiver in its every touch.

I will forever remember how empty and vast the sky is and how it makes me produce more tears for it perfectly describes my soul at the moment.

I will forever remember those green orbs that've already seen me in my greatest and damnedest times and how it makes me surrender and feel weak without a single spoken word.

I will forever remember those lips I was lucky to touch and caress and how it makes breathing my second option.

I will forever remember all these and more…

I will try my best to see, hear, smell, and feel everything for this will be the last.

_Last._

This will be the last, I decided.

The last time I'll let my heart be trampled and beaten up.

The last time I'll let my soul become so hollow.

The last time I'll let these tears to pour.

The last time I'll let anyone else to be near, making me so weak and vulnerable.

This will be the last time…I will let myself become a fool for love.

_My love._

Natsuki Kuga.

I've already accepted that she will always bear my heart wherever she goes. She already took it since the beginning and I was not able to retrieve it. No, I know she had it even before. Even before I started this journey for love. Even before all…she had it.

My heart, my all…in the palm of her hands.

I was never a fan of fatalism but since I met her, I started to wonder.

I wonder if everything that I've experienced were set upon in the stars or written in some undiscovered tabula.

I wonder whether there's a prophecy of us meeting in such circumstances.

I wonder were our ties together? Bound by a red string called fate?

Despite how romantic these may sound, the fact is…we were meant to meet each other and nothing more.

_Nothing more._

We are nothing more than two women who chance upon each other. We are not friends. We are not lovers even if I wish. We are not even acquaintances. We are merely strangers.

_Strangers._

She and I.

Natsuki Kuga and Shizuru Fujino are nothing more than strangers to one another.

Why does this admission ring so much truth? And was it supposed to bludgeon my heart even further? It was hard enough to admit the truth but to actually face it? There are no proper words that can sum up what I feel right now.

Right now all I wanted is to flee.

Run away to a place where I cannot be hurt anymore.

Run away to a place where I cannot be tempted to love again.

Run away, far away, from her…the keeper of my heart, Natsuki Kuga.

Suddenly she takes me by the arm and helps me to stand which my knees profusely declined. As a result we both end up falling to the ground with a small thud. I still refuse to meet her questioning gaze and stubbornly projects my vision up in the sky where I hope there'll be a shooting star that can grant my wish to come true.

I wish that things were different—that I've stayed and never fuelled the desire of loving.

I wish that someone had stopped me—my family or the club owner from continuing this joke of a journey which only gave me so much pain and suffering.

_I wish that I never met you…_

She gasps after this thought then I realize, I just said it out loud. The voice of my soul perpetuates the silence and echoes throughout the sky. And once it reverberates back to me, I can fully admit that it is one of those truths that I'm uncertain whether it will ever ring true.

"What did you say?" She asks in this tone I've never heard her use—surprise, hurt and pain all at the same time.

I look at her and realize that I made a wrong decision. She takes my head in a death grip and crashes our lips in a wild explosion. She holds me firmly as she senses that I wanted to free myself.

Free from her self-absorbing kiss.

Free from her self-consuming touch.

Free from her self-destructive _false_ love

"Stop it! Just stop it!" I scream as I wrench myself away from her hold. My skin protests violently with my actions as I feel cold once we're apart.

Apart.

"Shizuru…" She tries to hold my trembling hands that longs for her touch, but I won't have it. Not anymore.

"I said, stop it! Stop it…Please..." I cry openly before her as I punch the soil in irritation. Because even after all we've been through, even after all the talk and actions I've said and done…one remains the truth.

I want her.

I _still_ want her.

Her.

Fortunately even in my deranged state I didn't utter those simple words that means the world to me. But unfortunately for me, even in her baffled state she was able to guess my innermost thoughts.

"What do you want?" She inquires earnestly.

This aggravated my shuddering body into a helpless jelly.

This destroyed the main dam of my emotions into unfathomable pieces.

This made my breaking heart into an irreparable state.

_How can she say this?_

After so long?

After so long I've been waiting for her to say those words and now I've finally given her up, she comes and says it?

Everything in me wanted to scream, '_You! I want you_!' but as I rationalize all the things I've been through because of her—days spent looking outside to hopefully see even a glimpse of her, afternoons spent walking around with a bundle of optimism to bump into her, and nights spent alone crying in my bed while praying that her arms will cuddle me into my sleep.

I've had enough, I decided.

I've had enough of being toyed around like a fool.

I've had enough of being helpless in her every behest.

I've had enough of wanting and not being wanted in return.

So I say the total opposite of what my heart is daring me to say…

"Natsuki, please set me free."


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I disclaim any ownership of Shiznat for they can't do any household chores. All they do is hover over my shoulder and demand me to write. Pft. So no, I don't own them.

For some reason I could recall vividly that chapter 10 got the highest traffic in the past (aside from chapter 1 for obvious reasons). Probably because it's the first real confrontation between Shiznat. Yeah, congrats me for the slow pacing, not the slowest in history, but still slow at any rate.

Anyway, I was supposed to start handwriting chapter 21 today but, well, the latest episode of Burn Notice made me cry *sniff sniff* so I made popcorns...and with Coke by its side I have no choice but turn into tv series marathon mode.

Playlist (I think): Turning Tables by Adele.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**.**

**.**

**Chapter**

**11**

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**.**

Set you free?" She stutters, appearing so lost and confused.

"Yes, please set me free of…" Then I stop as I weigh my options.

Should I tell her? Should I tell her the kind of hold she has on me? The kind of power she has over me? The love she takes for granted every single day?

Should I tell her?

But what then? What then? What would happen if I tell her? Will it change anything? Will it change anything _between us_?

"Just tell me, Shizuru. Don't probe, just feel, remember?" She tells me as she shakes my shoulder gently.

Remember?

Of course how could I not? All I've wanted was to feel and when I finally met her—the sole person who can make me feel—I've felt everything but being loved.

It hurts.

It hurts so painfully because I'm back to the start. To the beginning. To that place where I came from.

_It's like I never left._

Leaving.

I hate leaving because it is a sign of weakness. But I left because back then I thought it was the right thing to do, the best option I got.

Now?

All I want is to leave.

Leave this place which holds so many memories of her and I.

Leave this place which leads me back to her every time.

Leave this place which doesn't give me an asylum but more like a cage.

_Cage._

Trapped.

I am trapped within her invisible claws. And as I see those eyes, those eyes which made me fall in love, I knew I'm caught once again.

"No!" I shrill amidst the silence of the sky. "Stop looking at me like that…Stop!"

She grabs both my hands and asks, "Look at you like what?"

Really?

Is she so naive of what is before her? What is before her all these years? The love I unwillingly gave her?

Is she that naive? Or is this a way of torture? Of punishment?

But of what? For what? Is it wrong to find and lead a life where you can feel alive? Is it so wrong to…fall in love?

From my soul to my heart and out to my mouth, I voice out, "Look at me like you care!"

And then she retorts that staggered my heart, "Of course I do! It is you, Shizuru! I care for you!"

I laugh while tears pour out freely once again. I laugh and laugh until I can no longer find the will to pretend to do so. "Care?" I shout at her as I push her back, wanting nothing more to have a relatively safe distance between us.

"When did you start to care?" I start to ask. I can't hold it anymore; I wanted to ask everything, everything that I've been holding inside me for so long. For the last time, I wanted answers.

When she doesn't answer and only bites her lip in response, all I can do is shake my head. "Of course you don't care. You just say that you do but in truth you don't. What is even true with all these?" I gesture between us.

"And what is even true about you? Natsuki Kuga? Is that even your real name? Who are you?" I admonish her like a child while she continues to look away.

Even though I should feel liberated to have an actual power, a sudden force over her, I don't. I feel lost, confused and defeated.

Utterly defeated.

A physical wound will hurt less, it will heal eventually but this emotional rollercoaster she took me in? The one I didn't have a choice?

I'm sure it will leave lasting pain for a lifetime.

I'm sure it will leave me crying every night for the rest of my living days.

I'm sure it will never heal even with an elixir.

Why do I know? Why am I sure?

Because I feel so much pain with just a mention of her name.

Because I _always_fall into sleep crying every single night knowing that she won't love me back.

Because the wound that she gave me was not superficial…it was deep within my heart and every time it beats I am being reminded of the wound that will never heal.

_Never._

After her complete silence answered my question and the others that I do not need to ask, I pull my hands between her tight grasp. It was then she was awoken from her meditation or evasion—I do not care at this point—and she stands up with an intention to follow me.

I am several steps away from her and I can feel her inching closer to me. In the past I'll be happy and be urging her to continue, to close that gap, that little space between us, but not anymore.

_Not anymore._

For today, I decided, I will be strong.

I will be strong for myself and myself only.

I will be strong to not be hurt ever again.

I will be strong and continue to live without shedding a tear.

_I will be…_

But why am I crying again as I convince myself that it's over? Why are my shoulders shuddering viciously as it feels the presence of her behind me? Why am I gripping my hands into a tight fist leaving my knuckles white as it longs for her touch it received not too long ago? And why is my heart beating rhythmically with the thoughts in my head: 'Stay and say you want her'?

_No._

The part of me which has been battered enough won't settle for the old, ordinary days with her.

The part of me which has been fooled enough won't settle for any false pretence.

The part of me which has been numbed enough won't settle for her half-assed feelings.

_Not anymore._

And as I reach the last final steps away from the park, and possibly away from her forever, I hear her say, "Wait."

Involuntarily, my feet followed her command. I stay rooted on the ground while embracing the gradually increasing cold of the early morn'. Time stay still and she doesn't continue but I stayed.

I stayed and remained quiet.

_Why?_

Maybe because a part of me still wishes that she will want me back.

Maybe because a part of me still hopes that she will give me the answers that I ask of her.

Maybe because a part of me still loves her with passion I cannot even describe.

And as I see the ray of light coming from the East, giving me the briefest warm of the coming day, I breathe in back every question I had for her, because the answers were finally relayed by her silence.

Her silence speaks for it all.

Then when I resume my steps, I hear her stifled gasp. But I didn't turn around to see if she's okay, I didn't turn around if she wants to say something else, I didn't turn around to hold her tight and say goodbye.

_Goodbye._

Is this really a goodbye?

Maybe.

Probably.

I was two steps away from exiting her suffocating domain when she croaks, "I…"

My heart wavered with the possibilities of that single word but I harden my resolve and told her in all finality, "Goodbye, Natsuki."

_Goodbye, my love._


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: If I own MH, the only characters you'll see are Shiznat and the story line will be something like this. Lol. Aren't you thankful that I don't own them? :P

Most of you said thanks for writing and I say thank you in return, and then you'll thank me again, and then I'll thank you. It's a wonderful cycle of thank yous. But tbh I'm more delighted when one takes time to scrutinize my stories. I am the writer so my perspective in regards to this story is pretty much in one direction. So receiving different theories and assumptions are awesome. It's like we're all playing poker, we have different cards and we're all blindsided with the other players' deck of cards. It's a game I'm obviously leading considering I'm the writer but at the same time I'm absolutely giddy when readers relay their thoughts, and sometimes I'm even surprised that they'd view the story in such ways. One reviewer who dissects Droplets insanely well is _PostoronnimV_ who, incidentally, became a boring (haha :p) friend of mine. So if there's anyone you'll need to beat in analyzing my story, it's her :))

And, if I remember correctly, the next chapter is the start of it all. Crucial in the story. Something to watch out for... Most intense I'd say considering that I've received numerous threats. Oh those are the fun days... :)

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**.**

**.**

**Chapter**

**12**

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**.**

**.**

Three Weeks.

It has been three weeks since the inevitable heartbreak I was sure to follow when we met. Since meeting her, I learned that falling in love was easy with just the right person but falling out of love was entirely a different matter.

Matter.

Does it matter now? Does _anything_matter now? Now that she's gone and out of my life completely?

Completely.

Is she really?

Then why can I still feel her presence around me? Why can I still smell her fragrance? Why can I still remember her last touch?

Last.

It was the last time I saw her but all this time my thoughts went back to that fateful last meeting by the park as if it happened just hours ago.

I spent days and nights thinking of the 'what ifs'.

_What if I didn't leave my clan?_

Would I begin to fathom any of this?

_What if I stayed and married the man whom I'm besotted with?_

Would I live happily ever after like they told me I would?

_What if I didn't apply to the club?_

Would I meet her elsewhere?

_What if I didn't reciprocate to her touches?_

Would she leave me at once without another second look?

_What if I didn't say goodbye?_

Would things be different between us?

_What if_…

She did love me back?

I smile ruefully at the last thought as it is something that would totally be out from a story fantasy book.

Her loving me back is all a fantasy…

_A fantasy I wish to be turned into reality._

The reality I'm in right would only let me do nothing but replay everything that has transpired during that fateful night. Every time I try to change the scenario, the settings, even our lines….everything, but just to be left with another painful truth—that no matter how much I alter the events in my memory, it won't change the ending I've already suffered.

The ending I've already foresee but refused to accept nevertheless.

Accept.

How could I accept? How could anyone accept this…this…_cruelty._

Cruel.

She's very cruel.

"Natsuki Kuga, you are one cruel woman." I mumble to myself as I picture her and I, together, in a bed with a connection I thought was there.

I tap my forehead in anticipation of a forthcoming surge of another batch of tears.

Tears.

I could barely count the times I didn't shed a tear since I've met her, more so, when I said my final goodbye.

_Goodbye, my love._

Why does it feel like I've just broke my heart once again as I recall the final line? Why? Isn't it supposed to be liberating? Aren't I supposed to feel free from her grasp? But why is my mind in turmoil? Why is my heart in deep and utter despair?

I bit my lips as the first two beads of my anguish are out in the open once again. I want them to stop. I urge them to stop. _Stop please._ But they are unwilling to my request. Every now and then, they'll rise from my core, force their way to my closed eyes, and stain my face with a look of a heartbroken.

Broken.

My heart is completely broken.

She was the one who found my innocent but unsteady heart. She was the one who massage it into life. She was the one who held it with both hands…just to let it fall into the shameless void below.

I ask once again. Who could accept this cruelty?

I can. _I just did._

I've already accepted the devastating fact that even as I lay my heart before her, she'll never respond to my feelings. Her reticence that day was the final push I needed for me to walk away.

Away.

Why is the distance between us doesn't change my desires for her touch?

Why does the distance only intensified what I feel for her?

Why does the distance only made me regret of what I've thought was right?

Regret.

Another new emotion I'm having difficulty dealing with. It's a nagging feeling inside that crawls outside and then back within.

Every glimpse of the past, every reminder of her existence, everything that essentially related to her…regret knocks in. And the worst of it all is I can't help but let it in.

In.

Maybe this is my way of berating myself for letting my true love go. A punishment of some sort for being stupid enough to let go of something I've searched for so long. A slap to myself as I lie bluntly to my heart's desire.

Desire.

My desire for her never wavered. It never faded. And I can't imagine it will be doing so.

Time, they say, will mend a broken heart though in my case I think it does not apply.

Time will only be akin to a plaster which can only render temporary relief but never a permanent cure for this deep wound I've acquired. The sole solution of my gnawing heart is the very person whom I left and had caused this.

_Her love._

I clasp both of my wobbly hands and place it on my already swollen eyes. I pinch my nose with my palms as tears barrage its way downwards as realization hit me in full force.

"_I can't stop loving her. I love her still."_

I chuckle and cry in between as I reward myself with a big smile. I see myself in front of a mirror, and for the first time in what it seems like forever I could see a glimmer of life shining in my red orbs. The fire in them was ignited with this realization…_No_, this admission.

With this newly found resolution, the better half of me wanted to do everything in my power—even going back to my clan—to find and tell her that I take back what I said during that fateful morning. That I'm just okay with our situation. That I'm contented with our arrangement. That I can bear the old and even colder times—if she so wish—rather than having her only in my thoughts.

Thought.

I thought about it a lot—our reunion.

It will be suffocating.

It will be paralyzing.

It will be excruciating painful.

But I've come to realize that having her physically is better than not having her at all.

_But can I?_

Can I really face everything that I've given up for this journey?

Can I really face my family whose trust I've betrayed?

Can I really face the responsibilities I've turned my back to?

_Am I?_

Am I capable of returning to the bigger prison they called my home?

Am I capable of exemplifying the virtues of a Fujino once again after not having so for years?

Am I capable of facing the tribulations that are yet to come once the life I've learned to cherish for two years will come into light?

For all the troubles I know I'll need to handle in the future, I begin to question my resolve.

Is she worth fighting for?

Is she worth loving?

Is she worth sacrificing everything I had and will own?

_Yes_…no, _yes!_

She is.

_Definitely._

How could I rationalize what my heart dictates? It may be fallible but it doesn't mean it's not right. And for now the 'what ifs' are set aside as I welcome the possibilities of our reunion. I smile at the thought of meeting her, of seeing that seductive grin of her, of her green orbs that seem to see no boundaries.

I smile simply because of her.

_Her._

For her…

This time, I decided, I won't run away.

This time, I decided, I'll not only be strong, but also brave for myself, for her…for _us_, hopefully.

This time, I decided, I will fight for her _love._

I open the window as the lovely crack of dawn makes its presence known. With my eyes still closed, I breathe in the fresh air of the morning with my courage, hold it within me with my boundless love for her, and exhale it with gusto together with my hope for the future. Slowly I open my eyes just as the sun set itself in the sky. My smile becomes wider because of this auspicious incident. I lay my hand on my chest where my heart faithfully resides, and I feel its hurried movement.

_Alas the heart that I thought I've lost forever is beating twice as hard with merely the will to see her._

I laugh openly because my hesitation and fear no longer have a room inside my heart. It is now free and alive. And with the incentive of feeling more alive when I see her, I immediately grab my phone and scan the list of my contacts. But before I could dial the number I know that will bring back the past; I was interrupted by a touch of a gentle hand—the same hand who took me in without reservation, the hand whose owner made me feel at ease in her home. The owner of those same hands carry a letter that I know will change my life forever with just one glimpse of the sender's penmanship.

Anxiety is evident in my eyes as my breathing becomes a struggle. My hands are shaky and my heart is on the run. The owner gives me an encouraging smile before she hands it to me and leaves my room in silence. I let all the positivity in me to brew before I open her letter.

It simply says:

_Meet me at xxxx before noon. I'll be waiting for you._

_Natsuki Kuga_


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: As far as I know, I don't own MH or Shiznat.

I think this is the part wherein I got a slave...err...a beta named _The Fractured_. He also writes for MH and FF so kindly check his stories.

Also, to _she-who-must_, the P.S. you left in c2 was that a line in a song or part of a poem? I think I've heard/read it before...or was that an original by you?

Btw, a sweet deal to my friends fb for I have posted a sneak peek of Droplets' c21. I'd have made the album for public viewing but...hehe :)

General disclaimer and AN. Remove all spaces and parenthesis. (http): / / a8 . sphotos . ak . fbcdn . ( n e t ) / hphotos-ak-snc6/185544_126708747472701_691968511_n . jpg

And yeah, this will prolly my last post for this week. Till next weekend. Take care and keep warm.

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by **

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**.**

**.**

**Chapter**

**13**

**_._**

**_._**

**_._**

A letter contains a message.

Some are many in quantity and yet petty in quality. Then there are letters that are awfully short but extremely significant to the very last point.

In the past, as a member of the Fujino clan, I've only received letters which were deemed important and safe. Every letter was searched thoroughly, had its contents dissected, scrutinized in every angle, and inspected to the utmost detail.

_Just like my life._

We're only private in the eyes of the public who doesn't know the truth behind the humongous walls surrounding us. No one would even dare to take a peek for the consequences of doing so are as high as its magnitude.

Despite the prying eyes and lack of respect for my privacy, I do not mind for I fully understand the logic behind it.

I am from the Fujino clan. It comes with the territory.

This territory…this prison, holds so many secrets of the clan. Everything from the inside is not permitted to be shared with the outside. Concerns of the family are handled by the family and no one else. Likewise, the family does not bother themselves with issues from the outside that do not affect them directly.

A form of a blinding wall. A thorough discretion. A complete show of power and arrogance.

That was who I was. That was where I came from. That was what made me who I am today.

I've finally decided to ready myself, to contact them, and to face the past I've left.

All is now changed because of a letter.

Her letter.

This letter generates so much emotion within me and I'm conflicted.

Conflicted as how I should react. How I should appropriately feel. How I should properly address this new development.

Development?

Is this indeed a development? But of what kind? A good one or a…

Is it her way of letting me down personally? To tell me not to get my hopes up? To tell me that all I was to her was a fun person to pass time with?

But what if she's finally ready to let me in? To finally have her in my arms without reservation? To finally hold her without any fear of her leaving? For her finally to be with…me.

I bit my left knuckles while I crumple said letter with my right hand.

_This is too much_.

Too much even for her.

How can she give such a brief letter containing only a request—no, it's more like a demand—to see her, to wait for her without an explanation?

From the beginning till now, she has the upper hand. She has all the cards. She has all the power over me.

Me.

What about me?

Do I have a say in this situation?

Do I get to demand for answers this time?

Do I gain any leverage that I can use?

_I don't think so_.

Once I've perused the letter countless times, my feet immediately dragged me towards her desired location even if the morning has just begun. But I was stopped by the searing pain engulfing my very being.

_Shizuru,_ every part of me says, _stop and think of what you're doing. Remember what she made you go through. Why would you always follow her when she doesn't have the nerve to be truthful to you? Why are you hurting yourself once again for her when she didn't ever try to stop you from leaving?__Why would you throw away the chance to be free from her reign forever?__Why? Why are you making your life miserable over her?_

I answer these questions with the purest answer I could think of: _Because it is her._

She is the answer for the quest I've started.

She is the answer to my daily dreams and prayers.

She is the answer in my heart, body and soul.

If there is anything I'd doubt it'll surely not be my love for her.

I've already been down that road wherein I questioned my love, these feelings I have for her. I've already realized and accepted what I feel and what it would entail for my future.

I am determined to fight after all.

So why am I still hesitating to go?

Why am I delaying the inevitable?

Why am I not readying myself?

Why am I so afraid?

_Because you are not certain of what you'll find. Because the cons are dominating the pros in your mind. Because you can't help but question again…after all, you've been hurt several times without a treatment._

These ruminations are not getting me anywhere and maybe that's what I aimed for from the start? To stall? To delay the hurt? To make her believe that I have a sense of respect for myself too. To make her wait for me for a change.

Change.

I really do hope the change is for the better. If she is doing this just to let me down…I honestly wouldn't know what I'd do. Flee? Go back home? Move away? Hurt her?

I scoff at my last option for I know that I can't, in under any circumstance, hurt her. I can't and I won't. I've already promised myself that I'd rather get hurt for the both of us.

Shizuru Fujino, a martyr for love—sounds about right.

Right.

Right now I should be there and talking with her.

Right now I should be there spilling all my pent up feelings for her.

Right now I should be there begging her to accept me.

"Stupid," I say to myself before I launch towards the door.

The meeting place is quite far and I know I'm running late. But she said she would wait, right?

"Stupid, what if she left? Stupid!" I scold myself, ignoring the odd stares I'm receiving from my fellow passengers.

As soon as the train halted and we were allowed to get off, I run as far as my feet can go. I run and run until I can no longer feel the ground. My eyesight is blurry with tears that started to escape consequently to my dash. My breathing becomes ragged but I dismiss its request to slow down.

I can't. I won't.

I'll run until I arrive to our meeting place. I'll let the tears do as they wish. I'll only breathe once I see her.

_I will run._

Amazingly I'm good at running. In a span of few minutes I could finally see in the distance the entrance of a lush garden.

This is it. I'm going to meet her.

I dismiss the questioning eyes laced upon the countless guards in the area. _Guards._ They had my mind in reservation with this place. _Why is there security in this place? And in such large numbers?_The speculations are gone as soon as I've generated them as I continue my race.

Race towards my goal—her.

The few steps just before the end become painful and my limbs reluctantly ceased to move. I shake my head as I engulf mouthfuls of air in between. I could feel my heart racing itself outside my chest.

The anticipation, anxiety and fatigue rolled into one.

I insist small steps despite my body's protest as I know I'll regret it forever if I didn't get my chance to meet her just because I was hesitant, just because I got tired.

Finally my vision and breathing are gradually returning. I take one last intake of breath before I lifted my head to see my destination.

A wooden pavilion at the center of a breathtaking lake is in front of me.

_I am here._

"Natsuki!" I call to her as my vigor has remarkably returned. My feet are incredibly light as I traverse the bridge connecting to the pavilion.

"I am he—" The words are stuck in my throat as I find myself alone.

_Alone._

Did I miss her? Or maybe she didn't come in the first place?

"Where are you, Natsuki?" I cry in frustration and in anger.

And that's when I hear the distinct tune in a distance.

A wedding hymn.

Finding myself in utter confusion of the situation and fear of the unknown, I let my feet pull me to the source. Several heavy steps I need to take as I follow the sound. Surely enough my heart's drumming slowly surpasses the melody that I hear. Fortunately, I've found it before my hearing fades away completely. I take a cautious peek in one of the hedges where my ears hear the song. And that's when I see it.

Natsuki Kuga in a wedding dress.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I don't own Shiznat and I'm not earning money out of this. If I did, then I'll be traveling the world by now and I'd prolly start in Norway :D

Since it's pouring real hard, leaving me stranded in my own home, I thought why not update? Btw, to those who wish to add me on fb, kindly tell me your username here on ff or if you're an anon, then introduce yourself at least. I've got several users who added and deleted me (what did you do? spied on me? kinda insulting tbh) in the past, so to prevent that from happening again, I won't add unless we've got some kind of rapport. A bit too much? Again, no one is forcing you.

Also, I'm a tad frustrated because I can't fully recall my playlist. I think the song that inspired me with this chapter was _Christina Perri's A Thousand Years_.

Anyhow, please enjoy reading. And as usual, reviews are highly appreciated. Thanks!

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**.**

**.**

**Chapter**

**14**

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**.**

**.**

I remember a tale of my grandmother when I was young.

"Shizuru, do you remember your grandfather?"

I nod in response. I can't recall him that well as he died even before I reached the age of five.

"Do you know that we fell in love with each other right at the very start? We were in an exclusive function. Coincidentally, we reached for the same glass of wine that was offered around. Who would have thought I'd met the man whom I'd love for fifty years and beyond would be just right at the corner?"

She gingerly cradled me in her arms. She was already weak and suffering from a grave disease. They said that time would only tell. I remember hugging her tighter as I listen to her raspy voice.

"Turns out your grandfather was not a man from the prestigious families. He was a young entrepreneur who wishes to branch out his influence. Who knows how he got in?" A soft chuckle. "All I know was that we both enjoyed each other's company. I sincerely believe that it was the first time I truly felt like a lady."

Then her smile turns into a grim. "And that was also the day that my father unceremoniously announced to the crowd that I'm to be wed with someone whose background I could care less. At the point all I could care for was his reaction in that big revelation. I already expected him to leave, to produce a congratulatory remark. But he didn't. All he said to me was 'I'll be the one who'll make you wear a wedding dress'. That's all he said before he left."

I can hear her smile again as she continued, "He returned several months later to ask me to wear the wedding dress I was promised. He had a hard time persuading my parents because even though he came back as a wealthy and famous businessman, he did not have the prestige of a clan. But I reasoned with my parents and insisted that I do not care for anything else as he has my heart. They let me eventually but I knew it was because I have older brothers who can lead the clan in the future."

"But you, my dear," she distanced herself as she look at me so intently I feel like her eyes would burn me. "You are special. Special in every way. And even with your brother, I fear that you won't get a choice on certain things. Things that are important."

She touched the family heirloom with a pensive look before she took it off and placed it on my neck. I was surprised for the significance of this very act is beyond words. And even with my young age, I understood the responsibilities that came with it.

After ruefully smiling at me and kissing both of my cheeks tenderly she said, "Shizuru, I give that to you because you deserve it. The very same reason it was given to me by my parents even though I had two older brothers."

She hugged me again and then she whispered in my ears, "I'm sorry to give this burden to you, my child. But you are truly the owner of that gem. No one else. So take care of it, okay?" I hear her breathing becoming more laboured and I was about to call for help when she weakly gripped my arms.

"Don't go. Stay with me, Shizuru."

That was the first time I cried as I understood the implication of her request. And with her final breath she told me, "Shizuru, wear a wedding dress only for someone whom you truly love."

A wedding dress.

_Natsuki is wearing a wedding dress._

Does it mean she's marrying someone she loves?

Then I gaze upon the man whom she's going to marry, readying myself to hate the man to his bones. And I am shock by what I see…

It's my younger brother, Yukio.

_Yukio._

I stagger myself backwards of what is unfolding before me. My brother is marrying Natsuki, Natsuki is marrying my brother.

_Why?_

Accidentally I hit someone behind me and as I mumble a 'sorry' the person who I bumped into exclaim, "Shizuru Fujino, is that you?"

This is a day of revelation and it feels so surreal that I'm deciding whether this is real or not. The man before me now is none other than the guy who I was supposed to marry two years ago.

"It is you! Where have you been? Your family—" He looks at me and supplement with a handsome blush, "—and I, was…and still are worried about you."

I could only stare at him in response.

_What is going on?_

My head is pounding hard. Incredibly hard.

My lungs are gasping for air. Any particle our current environment can spare.

My heart is numb from all the beating. From all the suffering it involuntarily received.

"Your parents are here, look!" The man whose name I do not even know enthusiastically points his index finger to my parents in front. My mother who looks incredibly weary, I notice, incidentally looks at our direction. At first her frown is evident when she cannot imagine someone pointing at her and then when she recognizes me. She gasps and screams, "SHIZURU!"

Everyone in attendance, including the bride and groom, turn around in my way.

Their eyes are on me. Every single one of them is looking right at me, including the pair whose owner I call my beloved.

Beloved.

Why?

Is this what you met me for? Is this what you wanted me to see?

Why?

Isn't it enough that I fell hard for you without you reciprocating? Isn't that enough and now you do this?

Why?

Is having my love so much of a burden that you need to sever our ties by mincing my heart this way? Is this your way of saying no?

I ask her with solely with my eyes. My eyes that I know are burning with hurt because of a broken heart and shattered pride. Before these people I let my tears fall once again. I hear collective gasps and murmurs with my action. After all, even as I left the clan all those years ago, I am still a Fujino. I could care less of what they say as I try to communicate with those green orbs that are unwilling to meet my gaze.

Shout.

I want to shout. I want to scream. I want to yell at her in desperation.

Every emotion in me are stirring violently and it seems to render me motionless and speechless other than my obvious gritting of teeth, clasping of hands, and crying as if there's no tomorrow.

For a few seconds I can't think cohesively. My mind, along with my body, is unfeeling. And then I hear my brother dragging his silent bride in our direction, "Sis! Where have you been? I didn't know you—" He stop when he saw my current state, and raise a question to the woman by his side, "Natsuki, love, do you know my older sister?"

Natsuki.

Love.

They're in love.

What kind of joke is this? What kind?

I stare at her again, expecting her to say something…anything. When she finally lifted her eyes, they land upon my visible neckline.

The family heirloom.

That's when the deceit dawn onto me. And I laugh hysterically which cause everyone to look at me like a crazy person.

Maybe I am.

Crazy.

For falling in love with a trap.

"Is this what you want?" I grab the family heirloom and yank it from my neck. Recognizing the item, my parents, my brothers and those who know its identity are shock and speechless, but none of them have the audacity to ask me what I'm doing.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?" The shrill intonation of my voice is evident and when I ask her again for the third time, it croaks remarkably. "Is this what you want...all along?"

Once again, only before her, I feel defeated, lost, and broken.

…and a complete fool.

After my initial outburst has simmered, I slowly gravitate the distance between us. I can sense her moving instinctively backwards. I scorn at this observation.

Did she think I'd hurt her? Hidden a knife beneath my summer dress? Or perhaps use the family heirloom as a weapon? Punch her in the face?

Did she think I'll tell my whole family of her little plan? How she came to find me, lure me in with her seduction, make me fall in love, and ask me to meet here to get this priceless jewel and end my fantasy altogether?

Did she think I'll be deceived again by those eyes that are now mixed in with so many emotions; I can hardly decipher and describe them.

Eyes.

Can she see my eyes? Extremely hurt and carrying an enormous hatred.

Can she see my souls in my eyes? Dying and crying within.

Can she see my heart in my eyes? Shattered, numb and barely beating to keep me alive.

Can she see me?

"I didn't know that there's a person who'd do something this extreme to succeed," I begin to whisper in her ears, for her hearing only.

"Now that I'm here, I understand everything." She tries to interrupt but I painfully say, "No, don't speak. Don't speak a single word. I am here at your behest and I doubt we will meet again so let me talk."

She's about to open her mouth once again so I give her a glare filled with menace before I turn away and tries to project my gaze in front. I'm seeing, but not clearly seeing, might as well have my eyes closed. I do just that as I continue my speech, "All I know is that I've loved you with all my heart, with everything I had for the past two years. All I know that despite your endless flirtation with other women, I still love you. All I know that even though you've known my feelings and have been constantly avoiding or ignoring them—I do not wish to know now—I still love you…"

"But after this… I do not even know what love is. I can't feel them anymore. _I can't feel anymore._ Do you understand?" I pretend to wait for her response before I continue, "My brother, Yukio. He is a good kid. If he is the one you really love, that you'd do all those things with me just for him…then I can't do anything about that. I'll just ask one thing from you. _Just one._ Please take care of my brother's heart. Don't break it like you did with mine."

With one final effort to seal this chapter away from me forever, I cradle her impeccable face with my hands as I marvel at her beauty for the last time. And even though I had the strongest urge to caress her lips one last time, I lay a brief kiss on top of her forehead.

Once my lips land on her skin, I hear a hitch in her breathing. Maybe in repulsion or...Honestly, I do not care at this point. But when I reluctantly retract myself from her, I see the single thing I thought I'd never see.

Natsuki shed a tear.

A tear for whom or for what reason?

As I said, I honestly do not care at this point.

And as her tear becomes tears, I level my most prized possession to her eyes and I release it just in time for her tears to touch the ground.

Before I turn my heel towards the unknown, away from everything I've known, apart from her forever, I smile ruefully as I tell her, "Natsuki, you look beautiful in a wedding dress."

.

.

.

**A/N:**

_To the old readers, there's no 'THE END' joke here so please, hide those pointed sticks, torches, and boulders aimed at me. Thanks :)_


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Nope. The only thing I own is my soul and currently it's MIA.

I was supposed to catch up a lot of sleep and not post today but I heard a reader is ill. Anyway, get well soon and I hope this chapter makes you feel better.

And yeah, the rain is relentless. Me and the fam are a-okay, nevertheless, considering the situation everywhere, I pray for everyone's safety.

Wherever y'all are right now—enjoy, take care and Godspeed!

Playlist (I think, ugh...): Arms by Christina Perri.

P.S.

I noticed a few errors in my last chapters and I'm assuming it's the same for every re-post that I've done. Must have jumbled up during the process of re-posting *shrugs* I'm too busy and lazy to edit them all so if you see one, kindly ignore. Okay, thanks.

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**15**

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Silence.

A clear indication of an incoming storm.

Silence.

A result of a passing perfidious storm.

They say that the safest and calmest part of a storm is in the middle.

_Stay in the middle and you'll be safe._

I did.

I _really _did. And look at where it got me?

On the outside I appear to be unscathed, unbothered, and unmindful. But on the inside I'm in utter chaos.

Who wouldn't be?

Thrown off the ground in an aggressive whisk; blasted to the sky with only air to grab onto; tossed in every direction; dropped to the unwelcoming earth below.

I ask again, who wouldn't be?

As I open my eyes to see the place my feet led me to, I can't help but feel bitterness seeping from every pore of my body.

Our meeting place.

I'm at the pavilion by the lake, the very same pavilion where we were supposed to meet.

"This isn't the place though, is it?" I tell to myself. "IS IT?" I echo to the empty lake.

I felt her even before she said my name.

"Shizuru…"

"Leave me alone."

"I—waited…" she gabbles, "…here but you didn't come."

I sigh loudly, still not allowing myself to face her. I don't know if I could…ever. "Let me guess. You waited for 2 minutes and got tired so you decided to marry my little brother at the next garden available?"

Bitterness.

I can't taste it, I can_feel_ it. Out of my pores and back within a snap.

"No, it's not what happened. I…" she pauses and I can hear nothing.

Nothing.

Of course. Shouldn't I know better?

"Are you done?" I say with nothing but venom.

I sense frustration as she say, "Can you…Can you please look at me? Let's both be adults and talk this through face to face."

"Oh, so you want me to _look at you_ and to talk _like an adult_? What's next? Shall I tell you my bank account details over a cup of tea?"

I regretted it once I let it slip from my mouth, but I don't want to take it back. I want her to be hurt. I want her to_get_ hurt. Even just a tiny bit of what she dealt me with.

Silence pervades once again and I pray that she leaves. But she didn't, she broke it with a wistful, "It wasn't meant to happen…I didn't—"

"Which part? The part wherein you fucked me? Used me? Lured me in? Just to get a hold of my necklace? Why not just steal it from me when I was asleep? _Why?_ Why did you have to…play and _break my heart_?" I know I'm being immature and curt by interrupting her every sentence, but I know I'm merely trying to protect myself from her. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll break down once again.

_Never again in her presence._

"Shizuru—"

Whilst my eyes are close I turn around and raise my hand. "Don't. Never mind. I don't want to know. I don't want to hear. I don't want anything from _you_. Ever again."

_Liar._

"Let's pretend we don't know each other."

_Liar._

"It's all for the best."

_Liar._

"I'm happy for you. Congratulations with the wedding."

_LIAR!_ My heart roars within me and it took everything that I have to prevent the tears, along with the truth, to escape from my barely standing front.

Never again, I decided, will I cry for anyone…even for her.

Never again, I decided, will I become a fool no matter what happens.

Never again, I decided, will I love with everything on the line.

Distance.

It's for the best.

"So you were here," a familiar voice of a man arrives and interrupts whatever excuse Natsuki was about to say.

"Reito," Natsuki starts to say and clearly she wants to say more but the man—the man I was supposed to marry, the man called Reito—stalks to my carefully maintained distance and engulfs me in a hug without a warning.

I am startled by the action but nonetheless I am, somewhat, comforted by this gesture. I must have left my mask a bit open if he sounded so concern while he whispers, "Everything's going to be alright. I'll take care of you."

Take care.

_Care._

As I look at him in the eye, I could see the sincerity of his words.

He cares.

Then I look at Natsuki's whose expression is so tight that lines are becoming visible in her flawless face. Her eyes are still wandering—wandering away from mine to be precise.

So much for _look at me_ and _talk face to face_…

In spite of everything I still believe and I still hope for the exact opposite of the reality that I'm currently experiencing.

_The reality wherein…_

I can hug her tight and say that I'll never let her go.

_The reality wherein…_

I can tell her that she can trust me, that I'll protect her from everything.

_The reality wherein…_

I can show her this enormous love residing in me, this love that has decided to back down…this love that makes no promises leaving any time soon.

Soon.

"I'll forget about you," I start to say as I pull myself away from Reito. He doesn't say anything and lets me go. "I'll forget _everything_about you." I wobble while walking towards her.

My body is heavy from sheer exhaustion. My feet are uncooperative due to lack of energy. My eyes are starting to close from crying too much. Despite all these, I convince myself that this will be the last time I'll break my wall; the last time I'll shut off my defenses; the last time I'll let my barrier go down.

Down.

I stumble onto her direction and she catches me.

How ironic that she's only willing to catch me when I physically fall.

My drained body does not have the energy to move away so I let my heart, whose beating started to increase again because of the contact, to lead for the last time.

"Shizuru…" she whispers to my ears as she soothes my shivering body. She rubs my arms tentatively with both hands as she leans forward and feels my forehead.

"Is she okay?"

"She's burning up, Reito. Can you call a doctor?" I sense a tinge of familiarity in her words despite its hurried and panicked tone.

Once we're alone, I tell her. "You know him."

"Stay close, Shizuru. You have a fever."

"And he knows you."

Of course she won't be truthful. I try to free myself but I am weakened by this fever and by her presence. "Shizuru, stay still."

"So everyone knows you except for me…" I cry feverishly as I completely break down.

"You know me, Shizuru. You know me…" She coos in my ears over and over again.

"I was…am in love with you, you know…and I…" I stutter in between hiccups. "I don't know what to do with these feelings… I want to bury our memories away and—"

"Don't," she whispers in time with my hiccups.

"I want to remove you from my thoughts—" I babble away as I sense that I'm slowly losing consciousness.

"Don't!" She says more fervently. I must be imagining it.

"And…I want to fall out of…love." I feebly tell her. My vision is hazy and I can't be certain if her dejected state is true or not as I say this to her. I am not sure…maybe my mind is playing tricks on me?

Although I can feel the increasing marching of her heart as I'm being squeezed by her comfortable arms.

_More comfortable than Reito's_.

I can feel warmth emanating from her body as it gradually ceases my shuddering cold self.

_More warm than a thousand blankets combined._

I can feel soft kisses gingerly being planted on my forehead as it renders me with absolute hope and love despite my waning clarity.

_More passionate than the ones she shared to me before._

Before.

And before the imminent darkness and complete silence finally takes over, I think I hear her cry, "Don't, Shizuru. Please don't…_I love you too_."

.

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.

**A/N: **

****First, breathe. You okay now? Good. Then next is go to **PostoronnimV**'s page and read the parody she made for Droplets. It's very funny. After reading and having a good laugh, please don't forget to tell her how awesome she is :))


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I can only pretend that I own them.

Natsuki's POV.

Playlist: As Long As You're There by Charice.

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**16**

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Alone.

I am alone.

I _was_ alone.

A man whose face I can't recognize took me in. He said that he'll give me a family of my own, that I'll never be alone if I take his hand so I did, I took his hand and here I am.

_Natsuki, you're not alone._

He saved me from the cold, empty streets. He gave me shelter and clothing. All I need was to call him 'father' so I did and here I am.

_Natsuki, you're not alone_.

From being alone I had a family. From being independent all my life, for the first time I could depend on someone. All I need was to call his son, 'brother' so I did and here I am.

_Natsuki, you're not alone._

I thought I was no longer alone and then I met her—Shizuru Fujino. I learned that I was wrong. I was alone but since I met her...I was not alone.

_Not anymore._

I was not empty, in her arms I feel complete. I was not sad, with just her smile I feel happy. I was not alone, just knowing that she will be there for me.

_As long as she's there for me._

"Natsuki," I hear him call.

"Brother…" I look at him and I know for sure that we have nothing in common except for the love we carry for this woman in my arms.

_Shizuru Fujino._

"The doctor will be here any minute so let me carry her for you," he says.

I refuse to free her from my grasp. I refuse to let my brother take her away. I refuse to let her go.

_Shizuru Fujino._

"Natsuki, let me." He kneels in front of us as he gently removes my tight grip onto her arms. Still I didn't budge and I dig deeper. I know it will leave a bruise to her pristine skin but I am afraid—deathly afraid—that once I let go she'll never come back, she'll never hold me, she'll never be here with me…and I'll be alone.

_Shizuru Fujino._

She's the only one who could make me feel that I'm not alone. Everything and everyone else does except for her.

_Her._

"You're hurting her, Natsuki," he eyes me carefully and says, "You're only going to hurt her."

He knows.

"I know…I am not blind. What I saw back in the wedding," I flinch at his reminder, "was proof enough of you two…together," he visibly cringe at the thought and then he adds, "and I'm definitely not deaf and stupid because I've heard what you said…"

_Don't, Shizuru. Please don't…I love you too._

"But! Reito…brother…I—"

He snaps at me with a disapproving look, "You don't have to say anything. I know what I've seen and heard. From now on, all you need to do is to stay away from her. Looking at her state…" He gives me a glare, one of which I haven't received in a long, long time, "I think…No, _I know you've done enough_."

Enough.

No, it's not enough. Have I said enough? Did she hear me say those words? Those unspoken words I've been carrying for years? Did she felt it? Was it enough? Was it enough for her?

Reito must have seen my battle within me and how conflicted I am. He lifts my chin and looks at me straight in the eye, "You'll never be good enough for her, Natsuki. Face the reality. Look at her," so I did, I see her sleeping contentedly in my arms…in _my_ arms. "I love you as a my little sister, Natsuki, but look at her, really look at her," so I did and I see her swollen eyes, the dried pathway of tears, the cracked worry lines in her eyes…everything that tarnishes her beauty. I see it and I understand who is to blame…me.

"You see now? So please Natsuki, you've done enough. _Leave her alone_."

Alone.

As my brother takes away the source of my living, of my happiness, of hope and love, I ask him desperately, "What about me, Reito? What about me? Am I supposed to be alone forever?"

While he secures Shizuru in _his arms, _he looks at me for a minute and pats my head like he used to when they first adopted me. With a bright smile he says, "What are you talking about, Natsuki? Nobody is alone. Besides you have us, and there's Yukio."

"But we…I don't—"

He declares in a strange voice, "Natsuki, the wedding is not over. It was postponed. If you truly don't want to be alone, then love him like you always do."

"But I don't—"

"Forget about Shizuru."

"But brother, I—"

"Natsuki!" He shouts at me. _Reito never shouts, he is calm and composed._ "I'm telling you. Stay away from her. Or do you really want to be alone…again?"

It was not a question. It was a threat. The young Natsuki in me who lived in the streets alone all her life wants to cower away, she wants to retreat, she wants to surrender but when I heard Shizuru mumbles _'Natsuki'_ while deep in her sleep, the brave Natsuki comes out in an instant.

I bellow the truth in the open with everything I got, "I love her! I love Shizuru Fujino! I love _Shizuru_..."

It feels good.

It feels good to let the truth out, to be true to myself, to be selfish and try to fight for what I want, for what I'll ever need.

But he shatters it with another truth I've known all along, "She'll be alone if you stay with her. Don't you understand, Natsuki? Those people back in the wedding? That life you've seen a glimpse of thanks to Yuki? These comforts and luxurious things you can see everywhere? This is where she belongs. This is what she had and she'll have. This is what she _deserves_. And if you pursue her, you'll take everything away from her. Do not be selfish, Natsuki. Do you really want _her_ to be alone?

Alone.

"But brother—" I try to reason out. I try to think of something that will make him change his mind. To make him not to take my love go. To make _her _stay.

"For the last time, Natsuki. Leave her alone."

Alone.

"And whenever you think you can make her happy, think of the times wherein you were alone. Remember the time before we—the Kanzaki clan—took you in. Remember those moments and think of the consequences she'll eventually suffer if you push through with your lo—" he shakes his head and sighs so deeply, "Don't worry, Natsuki. I'll take care of Shizuru."

He turns around victoriously with Shizuru in his arms. I am left defeated with only my past to reclaim. I have nothing. I have nothing to offer to her. My brother is right. I can't be selfish. She deserves everything and I can't give it to her. Quite the opposite, if I fight for her, I'll be the reason of her downfall. I'll be the reason for her to be alone. She has suffered enough with my indecisiveness all those years. I can't have her stay with me and lose everything. I can't. I don't want her to cry another meaningless tear for someone like me. Soon she'll be happy. Soon she'll forget about me. Soon she'll...

"She'll never be alone with me," Reito finally closes the deal. That's all I've ever wanted for her. For her not to be alone. Because I know what it feels like, I know how it is to live for years alone, I know the emptiness and sadness that comes with it, I know all that has to do with being alone...that's why I'm happy for her...

_Then why are you crying?_

_Why?_

_Why are you crying as if you've died?_

_Like you've lost a piece of your heart?_

_Like you've completely depleted your own soul?_

_Why?_

Because now I know I'll never truly be happy.

Because now I know I'll never be complete.

Because now I know I'll forever be alone.

"I promise you, Natsuki. Shizuru will never be alone," Reito assures me with a genuine smile and with that he takes my everything—my Shizuru—away from my vicinity, from my line of sight, and away from my grasp forever.

As heavy droplets of rain start to fall from the sky and touch my shivering skin, I'm being reminded that once again I am...

_Alone._


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I can toy with their lives as I please, why want to own them? That'd be a hassle *insert evil laugh*

I believe _Through the Rain_ by _Mariah Carey_ (there's no pun here) is befitting in this case. This amazing song helped me to overcome the bitterness that I felt a few weeks ago, wherein I left the ff world without an intention of coming back, but (partly) because of this song I came back. It made me realize and remember a lot of things, things that are good, things that are important...

Anyway, wherever you are right now. I hope and pray you and your loved ones are safe :)

...

..

.

_And I live one more day_

_And I make it through the rain_

_._

_.._

_..._

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><p><em><strong><span>Droplets<span>**  
><em>

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**17**

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_I'm back._

I wake up to the sound of the rain. I look around and see that I'm in my old room back in the Fujino mansion.

The rustle of the leaves outside divert my attention to the window. The wind keeps knocking on the window pane.

I try to feel my extremities. I wiggle my toes to know if they're capable of letting me walk. I stretch my legs and land them on the wooden floor.

Cold, the floor is very cold.

I retract my limbs immediately upon contact but once I got over the initial shock, I place my feet over the floor again.

Slowly I heave myself upright, still testing if I have the energy to do so. After three seconds and I'm still standing up, I proceed to take one step.

The cold travels from my feet to my spine. I shiver and embrace myself for protection while I push myself to move forward despite the cold.

It took me four exhausting steps before I reach my destination. Four steps but I feel like hours have passed since I made the first one.

Slow. Everything is so slow.

For some reason I want to open the window so bad, so desperately. Like I feel that what I need, which I'm not even sure what it is, is just there, outside the window waiting for me to see.

"Hello? Is someone out there?" I whisper tentatively.

I receive no response and hence decided to open it myself. I am about to unlock its locks and open it when suddenly I am interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Shizuru! My goodness what are you doing up? You have to rest!" Then she commands outside, "Someone get the doctor at once." Then there's a lot of fuss outside.

_Indeed. I am back to the Fujino clan._

I ignore my own mother and resume my previous task—to open the window. Just one more lock and I'll be able to pull it wide open.

I feel someone is out there.

"What are you doing, Shizuru? You need to lie down and rest!"

"Is someone outside?" I ask my mother.

She stares at me oddly. "No, why would someone be there outside your window? Besides there's a typhoon coming, you'll get wet if you open the window. So come back here now…" she supports me gently by the arm.

"Mother, I can walk by myself…" I tell her weakly.

"Don't be ridiculous. You've been sleeping for a week now and I'm sure your body has not yet recovered…"

"A week…?" I ask, confusion and wonder are evident on my face.

"Yes, dear. You had us in a deep fright. You came back out of nowhere then run…again," my mother's eyes are sadden by the thought, I observed, "and then Reito—that darling fiancé of yours—brought you back unconscious. Honestly! We don't—"

"Was someone else present when he came back?" I have to ask… I have to _know._

_Shizuru, stop it._

I ignored my better self and probe further, "Did someone came back with us?"

Now it is my mother whose face is etched by bafflement, "No…But Shizuru I don't understand, why are you—"

"It doesn't matter. I just need to know, mother. Please don't ask anymore." I respond abruptly as I let her guide me back to my bed. It is obvious she wanted to ask more but then she sees my face, a face that clearly reflects what I feel inside—_grief_—so she simply nods and continues to support me.

Pain struck me with that tad of knowledge; that knowledge that she wasn't there when I needed her the most.

_But you asked her to leave._

I did. I'm quite aware _I did_…but it doesn't stop me—a big part of me—to want her to stay and take me away…with her.

Away from the heartache, pain and sorrow—the very ones she had caused.

Away from my past as a Fujino—the very same which led me to her.

Away from my future of solitude and imprisonment once again—the very fate I'm trying to escape but no longer had the will to do so because of her.

_"Don't, Shizuru. Please don't…I love you too."_

Suddenly I experience a flash back before I passed out. These images are not clear but it shows the clarity of her intentions.

She wants me too.

Does she…really?

Who am I fooling?

She already got my necklace, what more does she want?

She already married my brother, what else does she want from me?

She already sent the message to me—_she doesn't want me_—crystal clear, so what is the meaning of this?

_Don't get your hopes up once more..._

"What is the matter, Shizuru? Why are you crying?" My mother hugs me tightly as she rocks us back and forth on the bed.

Once again I cry again because of her. Maybe I'll never get over her. Maybe I'll never be whole again. Maybe I'll never fall in love again.

"I hope you are done with your soul searching or whatever that prompted you to run away in the first place, my dear. Because I honestly don't know what I'd do if you…"

"I'll stay, mother. I'm sorry for my selfishness…"

I am actually sorry.

Sorry for the worries I've given my family especially to my mother.

Sorry for the burden I've given my family especially to my brother.

Sorry for the inconvenience I've given my family especially to my father.

I am sorry.

But I won't say it more than once. I am sorry but I won't say it anymore for I am most definitely sorry of all to myself.

I am sorry to you…Shizuru.

I am sorry for giving you the silly idea of having a journey in the first place.

I am sorry for not stopping you when you ran away all those years ago.

And I am _deeply_ sorry...

...for letting you fall in love with everything you have…

_Natsuki Kuga._

I think of her again and I cry some more for I know that she's no longer a Kuga. She now belongs to the Fujino clan. The wife of my brother, the future head of the clan.

_Natsuki Fujino._

I…

_I can't stand it._

Just the mere thought of her with my brother breaks my heart.

Truth be told, I wanted to run away when I found out. But where? Where will I run? I have nothing else to go back to. The club? They were my family but it'll never be home without her.

I have nothing else to do but return and stay.

Stay.

I will stay because I've accepted her decision, no matter how cruel and painful it is.

I will stay because I realized how selfish I've become to my family and to the clan.

I will stay because I am tired of running, from everything and from everyone.

Besides I have nothing to run to…no more goals to accomplish, no more journey to continue and no more love to pursue.

Also I decided to stay because I am left with nothing else to grab onto, nothing else to pull me up, nothing else to hold me still…

Nothing else.

"Is there nothing else I can do for you, Shizuru? Perhaps you want something or...someone?" she stops and eyes me carefully, like she's waiting for me to supply an unlikely answer.

_Natsuki, I want her back._

I shake my head in denial and accidentally my gaze lands upon the night stand. I see the familiar glitter of my necklace.

The family heirloom.

My mother followed my gaze and she hums quietly, "It is rightfully yours, Shizuru."

"But Yukio wanted it so much. He deserves it and I—" I give her a silent apology with my eyes, "—left the clan. I don't deserve anything."

She smiles politely, "Of course you do, Shizuru. You left but you came back, that's all that matters."

I sense my heart flutters in relief. Somehow I have this fear that everyone would hate me, that even my very own mother would despise me. She and I didn't have a close relationship before I left. So this different tune she's showing me is oddly…warm.

Warm.

I feel warmth in my mother's arms. How could I only notice this now? Is this how it is supposed to feel—warm and safe—enveloped by a motherly love? How could I only experience this now?

"Do not worry about your brother," she continues while stroking my hair. Strangely it gives me comfort and I feel at ease. "We have a tradition that only men could lead the clan but everyone knows that it can be disregarded if the previous owner handed it to whomever he fits, may it be a man or a woman. It was the same case with my mother and then she gave it to you. The heirloom was given to you my darling so you are to lead the clan. Everyone knows it and so does your brother."

"But he wants it so badly and I don't think I can—"

She interrupts me with another hug, "My child, you were ill for quite some time. You don't know what you want…"

_I want Natsuki._

"…so for now, let us take care of you and recover well. Take your time and remember that we are all here for you."

_Take your time._

My mother left after a few minutes and once I'm all alone, I reluctantly welcome back my nagging thoughts.

Take my time.

_Time._

Will time be able to heal the wound so deep?

Will time be able to recover my smile I think I've lost?

Will time be able to help me forget her entirely?

I…

I don't know.

I honestly don't know what to think or what to do with time.

I stand again and walk towards the window.

_Shizuru, it's time to open the window and welcome the new 'morrow._

Am I ready?

Am I ready to face the future full of uncertainties?

Am I ready to lead the clan full of expectations?

Am I ready to live my life…without her?

Am I?

I lay my hand on the window and as I feel its texture and temperature, I can also hear the howl of the wind and the crash of every droplets of rain outside. I can sense all these but I feel…

Something more.

I truly feel that someone is out there…I could feel it…I could feel _her._

_Is it you?_

_Are you outside of this window?_

_Natsuki…?_

I debate with myself whether I should open the window as the numerous 'what ifs' knock back in. I am afraid of what I might uncover. But the debate is over once I heard a monstrous thunder.

I don't need to think. I don't need to be ready. I don't need to be afraid.

All I need is to be brave.

_Be brave Shizuru._

And so with my newfound courage, I open the window only for the gush of wind and a spray of rain to greet me.

No one is there.

_Welcome back, Shizuru._


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I'm awake so, no, I don't own Shiznat or MH.

I think _Porque_ by _Maldita_ perfectly explains Shizuru's feelings for the most part of the story. Try to listen to it when you can.

I shall _try_ to accomplish chapter 21 this weekend. Emphasis on _try_ as I've got tons to finish and a lot of distractions to deal with (i.e. watching Koreanovela and Olympics vids c/o my friend, V. *whispers* Thanks again, V!) so don't be surprised if I went missing for a few days or weeks.

My thanks to the well wishers. The weather is back to normal now. A glimpse of sunshine here and there. Though I still wear my sweater/jacket when I go out because I'm hypothermic *teehee*

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**17**

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**.**

Life, as it seems, is capable of going back to normalcy.

Normal.

What defines normal for a Fujino?

Meeting influential personalities, transacting important deals and going to highly secured places – everything that defies an average person's perception of normalcy.

In a way we are not normal. But these so called 'abnormality' is what comprise a Fujino such as myself. Yes, I admit. I am now a Fujino. I am back. I've already accepted and embraced the life that I should lead. Everything as it should be but still I noticed changes as of late.

Like how my mother would always chat with me: asking me if I'm okay, if someone is bothering me, if I needed anything. It is normal for a normal mother to care for her daughter in such a way but we're not normal and my mother's old ways are not like this. So in a sense, my mother is becoming 'normal'.

On the other hand, my father who was overly protective to begin with became more concerned about my safety. 'Concern' meaning that I have my very own bodyguard 24/7. I already had bodyguards with me before but usually it is from a far or they are only near when the whole family is out for a social event. This one, however, stays with me all the time and he is at my side wherever I go. I didn't try convincing or protesting to my father regarding this arrangement because I know it is futile and besides I understand his reason. Not only family but everyone in the clan was—and still is—worried about me, or more specifically, they didn't want me to run away again.

And then there's my little brother, Yukio. Out of everyone in the family he is the one I can say I'm close with and he, the same with me. He is still the most cheerful and passionate boy I've known and grown with. But since I came back, I can sense a change in his behavior towards me. I can sense a slight wariness coming from him. I guess I cannot blame him. Even if he didn't see my meeting back in the pavilion by the lake, I'm sure he saw a connection between his wife and me.

Wife.

Natsuki Kuga…No, Natsuki _Fujino._

She's now my sister-in-law.

How about that? The woman I've been in love with for two years became my brother's wife.

If this is what they call challenges given by Him from above, the ones he gives to make His beloved children stronger, then I feel so incredibly loved and blessed.

I do not hold a grudge against Him or to anyone. I do not blame anyone but myself. After all, it was I who decided to run. And now, I was the one who decided to stay. Now that I'm here, I'm taking all responsibilities that come with it. This includes seeing over the family affairs.

I'm already an adult and technically I've graduated in a local college but my family didn't know that or precisely speaking, they did not bother asking about it or anything about my past.

My past.

No one talks about it. No one bothers mentioning it in any conversation. No one dares to ask me regarding it.

I could assume that my family had already investigated. I could assume that they already know. I could assume other things. That's all I and they could do—_assume_. They cannot confirm the validity of my past with only documents—if they did, indeed, investigate—and I cannot confirm if they know about my past with only my wild hunches. It's a silent agreement or truce we both have. Another 'normal' occurrence in a relatively normal fashion sense of a bona fide Fujino.

Though is it normal for me, a Fujino, to need someone and not acquire?

_Someone._

Natsu—

_Her._

I try everyday to forget about her. I entered a prestigious university as expected and began overseeing the family affairs zealously even though I didn't have to. I spent all my time studying or working until I fall into a deep coma in my bed just because I want to.

I want to forget about her.

I want to distract myself from these persistent thoughts about her.

I want to move on from my past—her—and towards the future—leading the Fujino clan and marrying Reito—without any hesitation or looking back.

Back.

I cannot afford to look back.

Not now.

Not now that I've stayed and hurt so many people. People that I can now admit, I do care about. My family, the clan…they are a part of me in a way. And I can't be selfish. Not anymore.

They will be my home.

So for now I'll look forward, straight ahead with them by my side.

But…can I do it?

I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that I have to try because I'm aware that I cannot live the present and prepare for the future if I let the past take a hold of me.

My past.

Her.

Us.

Even after three months since the incident, the memories and the wounds are still there. I know it will take more than time to heal. I know that it will never heal completely.

_Try._

All I could do for now is to try.


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I shall tell everyone, even the creatures on the moon, when I finally owned Shiznat. Hah.

I stole some dark choco from our fridge and now my endorphins are high, hence the unusual double re-post for the eve. Funny story: my parents would always call dark chocolate 'black' chocolate. Being a cheeky daughter that I am, I'd always correct them while having a good laugh. They, in return, would insist that they're right considering the chocolate is really black in nature... :)) We're always debating about this and it's funny every single time. Like those times wherein they'd tell me not to leave my 'blueberry' carelessly around the house... *snickers* Sorry, now I feel like a bad child. No, I blame the stolen bla-dark chocolate XD

**Anyway, back to the story. Again a reminder to the new and perhaps even to the old readers. As stated in chapter 2, this story is set in a slow pace (slow motion effect like in movies), and a bit emotional. Look closely at the genre *points at the upper left corner*. Yes, this is under Drama/Hurt/Comfort, I would have added Angst if I was allowed to... Anyhow, if you've wrongfully clicked this story and you're hoping to read a feel good romance for Shiznat, then I suggest you close this window _immediately_. Yes, there's romance but I doubt it's a feel good one. **

Sorry, I just need to emphasize this one 'coz a few have been commenting and messaging me about it. Now that's out of the way, please continue reading and enjoy Droplets.

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**_**  
><strong>_

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Chapter**

**19**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Saturday.

Saturday is the day when we first met.

Saturday is the day when she went missing.

Saturday is the day when I found her.

Saturday is when I received her letter.

Saturday is when I saw her in a wedding dress with my brother.

Saturday is when I learned the deceit and everything became clear and then black afterwards.

Saturday is the day when I woke up and realized it was not a dream.

Saturday.

It happened all in one day.

Now it is Saturday.

Why I'm standing outside of Majesty on a Saturday night is beyond me.

_Why?_

Why am I here?

After endlessly trying and believing that I can make it through, that I can stay and stay strong…my feet dragged me to the only place my mind had forbidden but my heart longed to go.

Majesty—everything started here.

On a Saturday night. Just like tonight.

I am here.

I am back.

But why?

I look around and see that the street is empty.

I am alone.

My bodyguard is nowhere to be found. How I managed to evade him…I had no idea. I am just here. It feels like I was transported here.

But why?

Why can't I move a single step forward?

Why can't I see other than the door in front?

Why can't I feel anything else but my heart beating?

Then I hear the door open and see a familiar face, a face that gives me comfort. Daisy, the owner, with her incredibly deep blue orbs smiles at me. She gives me a hug which I naturally reciprocate. She's like a sister I wish I had. She eyes my appearance and smiles differently.

She knows.

"So you went home."

I can easily deny and tell her it was not a home but deep within me I know that house somehow represent a home to me now so I simply nod in reply. There must be something in the way I nodded because she inquires, "Shizuru? Is there something wrong?"

Indeed.

Is something wrong?

Or should it be…is something _right?_

I refuse to speak because I fear that tears would come out if I do. That if I share a tiny bit of what I'm thinking, of what I'm feeling…I'll break down…again. No. Even if Daisy is someone whom I trust, someone whom I respect and care about, I can't let myself be weak in front of another.

_Never again._

I'm Shizuru Fujino.

I am strong.

She probes gently as she tucks my loose curls away from my face, uncovering the hidden grief brewing in my eyes. Then she sees it.

I let my eyes represent what I feel.

I let my eyes represent my current state.

I let my eyes represent and do all the talking.

I do not need to speak. My eyes convey the full story.

Story.

_My story._

She does not merely see it, she drinks everything…just like before. Just like when I first came here. She accepts everything and miraculously she understands.

Someone understands.

And when the story ends with a single tear escaping in my eye, I notice that her warm smile was completely wiped off, and it was immediately replaced by a sympathetic smile.

Sympathy.

I am a Fujino. I do not need it. I am strong. I am a Fu—

"It's okay to feel weak, Shizuru."

Shizuru.

Weak.

Yes, she's right. I'm not a Fujino in this realm.

_I'm Shizuru._

The girl who was lost and found a home in a foreign land.

The girl who was lost and found a family among a dozen strangers.

The girl who was lost and found a feeling called love from a woman.

Woman.

Her name is Nat—

I can't say it.

Her name.

It feels wrong to say her name.

To wonder how it would feel like mentioning her name.

To think of what would happen if I happen to voice out her name out loud.

"She's here," the owner jolts me back into reality.

She's here?

"Why?"

It is a question we both knew needed no answer.

The question is…

What should I do?

Will I go face the music my ears have been wanting to hear?

Will I go face the true reality I've been constantly running away from?

Will I go face the reason of it all—the pain, joy, suffering…love?

Love.

What is it like to see the one you love again after so long? After so long you've given her up? Will it be nothing? Like a meeting between two strangers? Or would it be excruciatingly painful?

I…

I decided to stay and not run away but I know what I did was actually to run away again. The difference in the past and today is that before I know I'm running _towards_ my goal, journey, love, and her…but today I'm running _away _from the hurt, rejection, love, and her…

Her.

It has always been her, isn't it?

That's why I am not surprised that I initiate the steps towards the entrance of the club. Daisy must have caught a disturbing scene inside because she blocks my way and tries to stop me, "Shizuru, I don't think you should go inside. Why don't we go to the back and let's catch up?"

For all the years I've known the owner, she never once asked me to 'catch up' so with humor I tell her, "Catch up? You're going mellow—" and then I push her aside and see what caught her attention.

Nat—Her, flirting, making out…_catching up_ with two women.

"I'm so—" Daisy starts to say but her words are falling onto deaf ears for I'm no longer hearing. I can only see and feel.

I see her and my heart skips a beat as I marvel at her beauty.

I see her as she's having fun in the arms of those women.

I see her but apparently she doesn't see me.

_Me._

What do I feel?

I lace both my hands and place them on my chest.

My heart…is it still beating? What does it feel?

I clutch it tighter as I try to fumble for its existence.

My heart…is it still there? Why can't I feel it?

Ah, yes.

She had my heart all along. She had it before and till now she has it.

My heart belongs to her.

My heart is with her.

_My heart is her._

It should be simple logic. One that can be easily understood by anyone. But this very same logic…I cannot apply it to this reality—to my world at least—without crumbling everything I've known.

Is it too late?

Too late for her and me?

I…

"Shizuru?" One co-worker yells, followed by another, "You're here!"

This caught the attention of the others who aren't with a client. They gather to me as they stare at me from head to toe.

"What's with the outfit?"

"Why did you suddenly leave?"

"Are you back?"

"Someone is looking for you."

"Shi…zu…ru?" It seems that particular someone has found me. She stands from her seat and untangles herself from those women's grasp. Before a smile can form because of this—her staying away from those women without hesitation—it is quickly replaced by a frown as I finally see her state.

Her stance is wobbling. Her hair is out of the place. Her eyes…are not right.

_She's not okay._

She walks towards me as she mumbles my name. It keeps getting louder and louder with each and every step, as if she's convincing herself that I'm really here and she's not seeing a ghost.

Ironically, it happened once again but this time in reverse—now, she staggers and I catch her. I almost didn't want to catch her for I know the effect her skin, her touch, just _her_, will do to me, but as I see those ready arms of the others to catch, I made up my mind.

I will catch the owner of my heart even if she let mine fall and break into pieces.

_I will catch my heart._

Because of the impact of her fall, we both land on the ground. She quickly grabs my kimono as she whimper in my arms, "You are here…finally...I thought…" she stares at me with those bewildered green orbs I admire so much. Now, in this close distance, I can see that she's not really well. Her eyes tell it all. It conveys the pain and longing she's been suffering.

I don't understand.

"Isn't this what you want…?" I whisper to her ears. She lifts her head and looks at me in shock. Her eyes betray her reticent voice. It is apparent she does not expect me to speak…not at all.

What did I have to lose anyway? I already lost everything to her. But it doesn't mean I can let her have the last word all the time. So I detach her arms from mine as I slowly stand up. Her eyes speak of confusion and this time I let my eyes relay my response: You win.

As I see the smudges of lipstick on her cheek, the bite marks on her collarbone and the smell of other women's perfume on her, I tell her with more pain and clarity, "You win, Natsuki. You win."

This must have struck her little bubble for she cries, "Wait, Shizuru let me explain. Listen please."

I eye the evidence of infidelity—not that I should care, not anymore—in her body and face, it might have turned out as a glare as she flinched under my stare. She quickly wipes her face and lips with her hands and tries to fix her crinkled shirt.

_It's no use._

We both know it's no use.

Everything is clear.

This is who she is. The one I fell in love with.

I am about to turn around when something hit me. "Why are you still doing this? Playing around? You have Yukio…" I fire at her, "I asked of you one thing! One thing! But you still cannot take care of his—"

But I am interrupted by an exhausted voice, "Shizuru-sama, I've been looking for you."

My bodyguard eyes the place awkwardly. He catches his breath before urgently speaking, "We need to go now, Shizuru-sama."

I sigh deeply as I know I need to face the real music and not the tune I longed for. Without turning my back to her, I nod as I start walking away.

"Wait!" She grabs and gently pull me by the arm and I propel towards her but my bodyguard efficiently catches me and removes the hand—the one I've been staring at since it touched my skin—aggressively. This action, in return, aggravated the crowd inside the club. They try to pummel my bodyguard as they scream at him in chorus:

"Hey! Why did you do that?"

"Who are you?"

"Shizuru-sama?"

"Let her go!"

As the crowd went wild and my bodyguard tried his best to get me out quickly of the club, my eyes are trained on her as she gingerly massaged her sore hand.

Hand.

Her hand.

Her left hand.

_Her left hand without a wedding band._


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: Nope. Not a chance.

These voices are nagging me to post, so here I am. No choice but to post or I'm afraid I'll be useless all day...

On to my favorite word from last chapter! V mentioned the word 'schadenfreude' in her comment. As for me not to forget this fancy word, I shall say this at least 10 times a day... When I wake up, as I brush my teeth, greet my friends, talk to my parents, pay the fare on the bus, recite during lectures, etc... _schadenfreude!_ :)

I bet you tried saying it too ;p

Btw, this is the final re-post so expect the following chapters to be sporadic as I'm going to write them from scratch. However, since I've already started c21 eons ago, I'd prolly post it later this eve if everything goes according to plan.

Thanks again for the reviews...Speaking of reviews, just noticed it this morning. Droplets got 200+ reviews already! Oh wow...In behalf of the emotionally drained and battered Shiznat, I thank you :D

P.S.

Yes, Nat I know it's you. Your **;p** is rather distinct *harhar* Peace! :p

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Chapter**

**20**

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**.**

I can see everything even though my eyes are closed.

I can feel everything even though all my limbs are numbed.

I can think clearly even though everything around me is in chaos.

Chaos.

I'm in the middle of the storm again.

Again.

Once again I'm in the middle of the storm—alone, confused and scared.

I am scared.

Scared.

I am scared that once I move even an inch from where I stand, I'll lose my balance, lose my spot, lose my safety zone…then I'll be pulled by the lethal wind and drag me up above and into the chaos.

Chaos.

It's the place I've been sheltered from all my life.

It's the place I've been running away from.

It's the place I should be running _towards_ to.

Run.

I promise myself I will be strong not only for myself but for everyone around me.

I promise myself I will stay not only for myself but for my family who cares.

I promise myself I will no longer run away.

_Not anymore_…

This time I will move forward. I will push onward. I will run towards…

Chaos.

Reality.

Her.

"Natsuki," I call her name.

Silence.

Somehow her name alone gave a momentary peace to the chaos around me.

This chaos I've been running away from… Now I shall bravely seek. Embrace it with no reservation. Accept it with two open eyes.

Eyes.

My eyes are now open.

To the truth.

To the reality.

To what's really in front of me.

"Natsuki," I call her name again as our orbs meet again. In this room full of people we make a silent conversation between our eyes like a silent treaty we both only know.

Know.

I know that I can't deny this anymore. This insanity that surrounds me. This madness that made me turn a blind eye of what I refuse to see.

See.

I can see it clearly now—the day at the pavilion. Through her eyes I remember it so vividly.

That day wherein I poured my tears empty to the lake across until my eyes ache from so much crying.

That day wherein I uttered her name fervently so many times until my throat constrict by itself.

That day wherein I gave up finding my heart that I know from the very start was lost and can never be found.

But I was wrong. Immensely wrong.

The heart was gone, stayed quiet and remained still because it knew that it has lost the reason for it to beat.

Beat.

_Only with her presence does my heart let itself to beat._

Why do I hesitate so much? When the reason I knew for my heart to beat is already proven valid and true. The solution which I knew is the answer to my problems is already being given. When the torch I knew would give light to the endless dark tunnel I walk through is in my hands all along.

Hand.

She offers her hand before me, willing me with her eyes to take it. When she sees the quiver in my eyes, indicating the slightest hesitation within me, she urges me with a tiny smile—a smile not from her lips, but from her surreal green eyes.

She wants me to take a chance. To step up and move into the world of chaos. To let the wind propel me whichever direction it wanted.

Her hand.

Is this an invitation or a trap?

Again. I'm deathly afraid.

I wanted to take her hand and let the storm take its course.

Of course. Who said life can be so easy?

Almost every inch of me wanted to take it, to take it and be selfish…again. Then again I remember those whom I hurt, how I've been hurt and the person who caused it all.

I know I love her and I should fight. But then I also know that I should walk away before my family gets hurt again. But then… I also know that when it comes to breathing, living and loving…the reason would always be her.

_I know but…_

"You can trust me, Shizuru," she answers the crucial question circling and hiding in my mind.

_Can I trust her?_

Trust her with my every being without crushing it again into little pieces?

Trust her with my soul without being sucked into nothingness?

Trust her with my heart…my fragile, battered heart without fearing that it will be destroyed?

"I…can't," is my only answer.

It's true.

I truly believe that I can't fully trust her. I am certain that I love her with everything there is within me, but when it comes to trust… considering the ups and downs, the rise and fall…

"I can't," I say it once more with conviction.

I could see her gritting her teeth, the pain that passes noticeably through her eyes, the way her offered hand shake so visibly…

She's hurt.

I hurt her.

_The truth hurt her._

When I finally thought she'd try to convince me otherwise, that I can trust her explicitly, she does one thing that I dreaded the most—her closing her eyes.

She closed her eyes _and_ she retrieved her hand.

Suddenly the connection is lost. The bridge has fallen. The sprouting plant of hope has been stamped on.

_I could hear it…the song of defeat._

"Shizuru-sama!"

"Shizuru? Are you okay?"

"What is going on?

_I could see it…the scene of chaos._

Flashes of light.

Seemingly familiar but faceless individuals around me.

The room becomes smaller and smaller with every second.

_I could sense it…the incoming storm._

This is it…I am…

"I am ready," she states.

With just one sentence the storm has cleared and the pathway between her and me is patent. The chaos, everyone around me, everything around us…I couldn't see or hear them.

What matters now is that I can see her eyes again—they're open.

What matters now is that I can hear her voice again—loud and clear.

What matters now is that…she is here before me saying what I wanted to hear from her for so long…

_Please say it._

I make a plea with my eyes. I let my eyes show that even though I cannot fully trust her, I still love her. And that alone is reason enough for me to let her try…for her to try and explain everything; for her to try and make me understand; for her to try so that I could trust her.

_Can I trust you?_

I ask her eyes again. I wanted so badly to believe. I want to believe that her saying those words is enough for me to jump into her arms, to be happy with her and forget everything else.

But it's not enough.

_It's not._

It's not that easy to believe.

Believe.

Faith.

_Trust._

Without hesitancy, she proffers both her hands to me and says with tears in her eyes, "Please trust me, Shizuru… I… This time..._I'll never let you go_."

And from that moment...

I believe her.

I have faith in her.

I trust her.

_Her._

I gladly took both her hands.

_Hands._

And once again, I placed my heart in her hands.

_...where it truly belongs._


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: *cough* Shiznat are not mine *cough*

I'm ill at the moment so pardon any mistakes you'll see. I understand that I should rest and recuperate. However, raw emotions flowed into me so I wrote this despite my fever. Feels good actually...to write, with fever...

Writing, like breathing, is inevitable…even though I or other people would do things to halt its process, it'll happen eventually. I don't need a reason to write, I do, however, need a reason to post.

**Playlist:** A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

What can I say? Her song inspires me.

Enjoy life and be safe everyone~

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><p><strong><em><span>Droplets<span>_**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**.**

**.**

**Chapter**

**21**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Run.

With our joint hands we run together.

Together.

We run away together.

Away.

Away from the judging gaze. Away from the concern and troubled expressions. Away from everything that can take what we have.

We.

We are running away together in the same direction.

_Finally._

"Run, let's keep on running…run away from…" she mutters as she speeds up, her hand crushing mine.

She is scared.

I am scared.

Is this why we are running away?

"Natsuki, stop." I tell her as I snatch my hand away from her. For a second I saw panic, pain and fear run across her eyes.

So I grab both her hands and I assure her, "Don't look like that. I'm not going away. Not anymore…" Then I had to ask, to clarify, "Are you…going away?"

"No!" She grasps my hand tightly. "Of course not! I'm here to stay with you. I told you to trust me...do you?"

No answer.

I don't give her an answer. I don't want to lie to her and say 'yes' because I know I can't fully trust her. She'll see through my lie and she'll get hurt. And yet, I can't say 'no' and see her get hurt as well.

_If she gets hurt, I'll get hurt too…_

Instead I divert our attention to the present, "We've come so far…" I point out the path we took.

"Yes…" She hugs me from behind. "…we did."

We escaped from the club. As the other girls pummelled my bodyguard, we took that chance to run away. I gave Daisy a sincere smile because I knew none of this would happen if it weren't for her grace.

If it weren't for her I wouldn't have been accepted in this club and I wouldn't have met Natsuki. If it weren't for her benevolence I wouldn't have find a refuge for my confused and ailing heart. If it weren't for her support, my bodyguard, for sure, would have been successful in getting me back. Without her help I knew none of this is possible.

"Thank you," I mouth to her as we slip pass by the door. Out of the mess and trouble; out of the deceits and lies; out of the closet and…into the open.

Open.

Out in the open field I lift my head up high and see the vastness of the sky.

The sky is so clear. There's no cloud or birds to define it. There's nothing but color and its natural glory leaving those beneath it, gazing from below, with curiosity and wonder.

I wonder…

How long will this—_our_—peace last?

How long will this—_our_—brief respite last?

How long will this—_our_—moment of togetherness last?

Last.

How long will this last…until reality catches us?

The reality where our family and our past will hunt us to take us to the present…to the present, to the future they wanted us to be in.

They want us to be separated, that I know for a fact. And I won't let it happen. I won't let it happen now that I've finally managed to get a hold of her hand. These elusive hands that I've sought for so long, for such a long time I've sullied my family's honor, I've disappointed my family, and I've disgraced even myself as a person and as a woman.

But I was willing to endure all that for her…and I am still willing to endure so much more if that's what it takes to have her…forever.

Forever.

It seems such a long time. It seems so early to think about the future. It seems so surreal just thinking about it.

Forever.

_Shizuru and Natsuki forever…_

It fits.

It sounds nice.

It is perfectly enough.

Enough for me to smile and breathe again.

Enough for me to hope and live for another 'morrow.

Enough for me to not feel guilty while I bask underneath the splendid sky.

"What are you looking at?" she squeezes my hand gently, making me love her even more, making me believe that this is not a dream but a reality. A reality I should be truly grateful for.

"The sky," I say as I squeeze back and lift my head to the topic at hand, "it's beautiful."

I smile when I hear the tenderness in her reply, "Yes, it is."

Despite my increasing want to hug her, to close the distance—no matter how small—between us, I continued my honest observation. "It's breathtaking not because of the clouds or its infinity…It's breathtakingly beautiful because you are underneath it…with me."

I bit my lips and flush as I repeat what I've said to her inside my head. I am positive that my lips will bleed any moment now with the force I'm exerting onto it. I am quite sure that I will surpass the color of my very own blood with my blush.

_But it's the truth. _

The sky is breathtakingly beautiful…everything is breathtakingly beautiful because of her. No, it's because we are seeing and feeling everything _together_.

Together.

Are we really together now?

Before the doubt and questions occupy my mind, I was sported back into the present. Into the present where she gingerly massages my lips with her left hand while the right one is still squeezing my left.

"You are the one who is beautiful, Shizuru."

And I smile…wider.

And I blush…deeper.

And I fall in love with her…_once more._

"Believe me when I say you are beautiful in my eyes…"

_And more._

"…breathtakingly beautiful…?" she briefly gaze upon the sky and then turns again to me. "No, you're the one who takes my breath away, every single time…" she says as she continues to caress my lips. The very same lips I bit earlier to stop myself from saying anything more romantic, but here she is telling me these things…these wonderful things that make my heart soar onto the sky above. I bite my lips again because if I don't I'll surely cry.

Cry because of happiness. Because of love. Because of her.

Her.

_I am willing to shed a thousand tears if I am at the receiving end of her loving smile. _

"…the sky can't compare to your beauty…"

_Please say no more…my heart cannot take this so much joy all at once._

"But you are right, it really is breathtakingly beautiful because you are here underneath it with me…" her eyes expressing the joy I'm sure that is clearly reflecting in mine.

Suddenly I see a smirk graze upon her feature. "And because underneath this sky," she looks up, as if asking for permission from above, "I can freely do this…" Then she clashes our lips in a hurry, making the sky as our witness.

_Witness of us being together. _

Together underneath the sky, our lips fatefully meet.

Together underneath the sky, our hearts synchronize its beating as one.

Together underneath the sky, our souls—not only our hands—are joint together.

While our lips meet for the third or fourth or fifth—I honestly didn't count—we both hear a startling thunder under the same sky. We both pause and look each other in the eyes, knowing what this thunder may mean, what it may represent. Nonetheless, as another thunder roars, followed by a series of rain fell upon us, we continued.

We continue.

Because underneath this sky, we are finally…

_Together._


	22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own 'em.

**A/N:** Apologies. Busy as of late. But I still entertain adoration and whatnots in my mails :p It's the only thing I look forward these days after a long tiring day. Enough about me. Let's talk about this chapter shall we?

So first and foremost, I really thought of ending the story abruptly. Like a shipwreck or a plane crash. But that seems ominous so I decided against it. Then I imagine it being longer and longer, and I see myself being emotionally wound up most of the time. I mean, I don't let myself take a part in what I write. Not emotionally but somehow this story manages to knock into my shameless heart. Okay, I'm joking now, I don't have a heart. So for now I'm merely letting the flow goes until I decide what to do.

Anyhow, the better part of this chapter has been written ages ago but only did now, after reading _urbankazoos_' The Dennison House, did I managed to have the proper muse to finish it. Her story gave me this weird feeling. Would have written the next chapter pronto but I have to go out. If I return and the muse is still there, then expect another chapter tonight or maybe tomorrow :) If not, then... *whistles*

Mm...don't take everything I say or write quite literally. Or at least not in this story. I'm throwing and inserting a few hints, analogies or whatevers here and there. If some of you got it (even partially), then I'm ecstatic. If not, then enjoy the story nonetheless. The beauty in reading is that you can perceive differently from the others. And no, I'm not going to tell what I meant by that. This is not a spoon feeding class :p Okay? Class dismissed XD

And yeah, this one is unbeta'd. No beta for quite some time actually. Anyway, I'm letting my beta take over TMYN instead to make him suffer. I joke. So you folks have to deal with me and my errors from now on in this story. Edits will be made, when they're made. Hah.

Once again, I'd love to hear...er...read from you :))

P.S.

Belated happy life to PostoronnimV :) All the best to you my friend *offers a bottle of vodka*

P.P.S.

And a lot of you teased me about the last chapter. Stop it you guys! I'm no softie! *eats choco ice cream* Seriously.

**Playlist:** Somehow the song, _The Valley_ by Eisley stuck to me while I was writing the first part. And also Mariah Carey's _Underneath the Stars_. Would have made a cheesier chapter but I bet I'd get an 'awww you softie, waki' all over. So no thanks :p Suffer! *evil laugh*

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><p><strong><span>Droplets<span>  
><strong>

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**22**

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Darkness surrounds us as she takes us in an unfamiliar place.

Unfamiliar.

Everything seems to be unfamiliar when it comes to her. There's no assurance, only chances when it comes to her. Chances that I'm willing to take when it comes to her. I trust her enough to lead me anywhere she wants. I trust her with my whole life.

_What about your heart?_

It's in a walking progress so to speak.

A walk that I hope will eventually lead me back to her arms.

A walk that I hope will eventually make me trust her again with everything that I am.

A walk that I hope will eventually bring our hearts together unequivocally.

"Where are you taking me, Natsuki?" I whisper to her, trying my best not to stutter in cold as the rain continues to torment both of us.

We walk under the rain, taking each others' warmth through our hands. It is suffice for my heart but not for my body. As if on cue, my body produce an involuntary shake, she stops and gives me a worried glance. She offered several times to stop or to take cover from the rain and I'd always refuse.

I refuse to let this moment pass. Having her underneath the sky when everything became clear for me…for us. Even when the sun rested and the moon climbed the sky, I still wanted us to be underneath the sky.

Now, more than ever, underneath the moon, underneath the blanket of stars I can fully see the radiance that she emits. With the help of the moon and stars' light I can fully survey her delicate features. Features that make me sigh happily and in relief because underneath this sky—with the moon and the stars as our audience—I can hold her.

I can call her _mine._

Words are not necessary as we continue our walk. Gradually my body became accustomed to the cold and I no longer feel the need for extra warmth.

Warmth is no longer an issue when she's by my side.

My side.

What more do I need when I have her by my side?

Nothing else.

Smile.

We both carry the same smile in our eyes, our lips turning blue due to the cold but they both wear a smile. And if you can open our hearts, I believe our hearts—or at least mine is—are smiling from vessel to vessel.

We're that happy.

Nonetheless I can't help but feel wary. There's this feeling of uncertainty in me. A speck of hesitancy of this reality. An unnerving thought that something untoward will happen. Something that will wipe our blissful moments together. Something that…

And as lightning strikes I see it.

Her smile fading away completely. It seems the lightning illuminated an ominous future ahead of us. Her face is paler than her lips, her lips that are now quivering not with cold but with…fear?

"Natsuki?" I ask her worriedly for her eyes are directed in front, not acknowledging my concern, with indescribable shadow in it. I was about to turn my head in the direction of her fear when she suddenly unclasp our tied hands, throwing it a bit away making me move backwards.

What's happening?

What's wrong?

What's going on?

I ask these questions with, "Natsuki?" I try to close the distance but I could see she's only there physically. Her mind has gone elsewhere. And as I turn my head to what she's looking at, I'm being presented with darkness.

What did she see that made her clam up?

I glance upon her again and sees that her eyes are glassy, tears forming along with her confusing remark. "Fire."

"Fire? What do you mean? Are you alright?" I stay in place, not wanting her to refuse my touch—a touch I know she does not need at this moment.

Without affirmation if she had heard me, she continues. "There was fire and it was my fault."

"I don't understand," I say, because I truly don't understand. What is she saying? Is this the past of hers I know nothing about? Is this what made her what she is? Is this what made me feel unsettled a few minutes ago?

Is this it? The crack that would sever our newly tied bond?

"…you don't understand. It was my fault…" she says more incomprehensibly. I don't think she's really talking to me. More like, she's talking and convincing herself.

Herself.

She's in a different zone now and I can't help but feel helpless because even when I touch her arms and embrace her tightly, whispering sweet assurances to her ears, I know she won't hear me, and I know she won't feel my presence.

And it breaks my heart.

The rain continues its parade on us and Natsuki keeps on babbling. There's a part of me that wants to believe that she's sharing a part of her willingly and this is not a panic attack she's suffering from. A part of me feels happy knowing her past even though it's obvious from her constant shaking that it's not a good memory. A part of me, the biggest part of me, is scared of what I may hear. An elephant-size of fear I know I've been hiding within me since the moment I allowed her to take my hands and run away.

It's only natural, isn't it? The fear of the unknown?

Anxiety, I believe it is called.

Yes, I'm anxious of the current state she's in — eyes pouring hard, her pupils fixed beyond the darkness seeing something I can't, leaving me powerless even with her in my arms.

Yes, I'm anxious of what's she might unveil — her mouth rambling words such as: fire, it was my fault, I killed them…gives me an unwelcomed knot in my heart. A line of anxiety that I didn't know even existed.

Yes, I'm anxious of what I should be doing — should I let her continue to be in this trance or should I wake up her so that she can tell me coherently wants wrong.

_What's wrong?_

"You're scaring me, Natsuki…" I whisper. And that does it. She suddenly looks at me wildly as if she's seeing me for the first time.

"Shizuru?"

"Yes, I'm here." I urge her to move closer to me so I could hug her tighter. Because that's what I want. That's what I can only do right now—hold her close.

When I think that I got her attention—her full attention—another lightning strikes making her more petrified than before. She backs away again and clams once again.

I _hate_ this.

I hate seeing her like this.

Her cutting me off from her, from her past or whatever she's afraid off.

Didn't she say she would prove herself to me so I could trust her?

Didn't she say she's going to stay and not run away again? That we're in this together?

Didn't she say she's going to be honest and let me in? Then why is she cutting me off?

Once again I turn around to see what she saw but the darkness, once again, mocks me back. So with a sigh I try to reason with her and say with a pint of frustration, "Look…Natsuki I don't know what's going on. Tell me what happened."

She won't budge. Her head buried in her knees, face masked by her raven hair.

"Please…" I say as I stoop to her level and hug her despite my hesitation. But the hesitation has gone when she reciprocated my embrace—just as tight, just as gingerly.

And I continue to plea as the storm grows stronger, drowning her disturbing sobs and incomprehensible mumbles. I feel hopeless and at lost as to what I should. We're here enveloped in each other's arms but we're disconnected, we're separated in so many ways. It breaks my heart knowing that I only have her physically. Physically she's there. Breathing, talking, embracing me tightly. But her eyes, those green orbs that I could find in a maddening crowd are wavering and at lost.

_Lost._

We're at lost.

Wasn't this supposed to be easy? I thought that not having her love was the hardest part; that not having her by my side would leave me sleepless forever…but this, what is this tragedy that falls before us? Why does being with someone you love have to be so difficult? Can't be it like in fairy tales where there's a happy ending?

A lightning strikes somewhere which readily answers my question.

Fairy tale.

Tale and reality.

A tale can never be a reality and the reality can only wish it can be more like a tale: wishful and hopeful for the happily ever after.

Another lightning strikes and it gives me another answer.

_I am now free._

Free.

I can do whatever I wish. In this nameless town I can be whoever I want. With Natsuki in my arms, I can pretend everything is alright.

Alright.

_Right._

Is this right?

The lightning strikes once more, egging me to come up with an answer on my own. How I know this, I'm not exactly sure.

But then I feel her shiver again and it reels me back to the reality. To the reality I thought I'm ready to face, to the reality I should have known better, to the reality I can't help but anxiously deal with.

Right here and now I need to keep her warm and safe.

_Baby steps. _

That's my final conclusion.

That's what I have to do.

That's what I can do for her, for _now_.

"Come here, Natsuki. We need to get you dry or else you'll get sick." I forcefully maneuver her frigid body into the darkness. It seems the sky has pitied me when it let lightning strikes once more, illuminating a rundown house a few yards away.

She stays rooted and I sense a tickle of irritation coming out of me.

"Stop being stubborn, Natsuki." I say to a seemingly empty body.

Confusion and hopelessness have already managed to wear me down. But as we continue to stand here under the pouring rain and me talking endlessly to a non-responding person…fatigue comes right in.

I'm tired.

I'm exhausted.

I'm knackered.

Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

Fatigue just made me realize something I've known all along—this is not going to be easy.

Nothing will be easy from now on.

Facing or running away from the family.

Facing or running away from Natsuki's past.

Facing or running away from our future together.

They're not going to be easy but my conviction to be with her intensified as another lightning makes it presence known, startling a visibly pale woman of my life.

No, _the love of my life._

"Natsuki," I say her name with reverence before I bravely carry her with my equally shivering and pale arms. For the first time since we got here, she looks me in the eye with familiarity and love. She recognizes me and as she surveys our environment and our clothing, realization sinks in to her beautiful eyes.

"Shi—"

I stop her upcoming questions and uncertainties with a heated kiss as I carry her towards the house.

A kiss fuelled by so many thoughts and emotions.

_I love you, Natsuki._

Knowing and hoping that alone could keep us warm.

Knowing and hoping that tomorrow would eventually come.

Knowing and_ hoping_ that tomorrow never comes.


	23. Chapter 23

Disclaimer: I want to forget that I don't own them but I can't.

It's been more than a year since I've started Droplets. It only shows how incompetent I am as a writer. Most people can finish a story within a month or two. But I have to say, being lazy aside, I am incredibly busy whether you believe it or not. But my schedule will clear up in a few days so hopefully I'll be able to update more 'regularly' than usual. *shrugs*

But alas here is c23 of Droplets. I posted the sneak preview on my fb two days ago(?), I guess only one person saw it lol. Anyway, be amazed as how imaginative my sleepy brain can be with this chapter... Feel the sarcasm people XD

P.S.

Talk about being lazy and busy. This one is unedited. I have to rush out pronto so...yeah, I'll edit later. Shouldn't have posted I know...but I already did lol. No point deleting it now. Laters. Would love to hear from y'all :)

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><p><strong><em>Droplets<em>**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**23**

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I take her hand and lead her to an abandoned house. A house that must have been a home, a home that must have contained with so many memories and memories that I'm sure I'll be envious of.

Envy.

I envy those people who can feel nostalgia about a place.

I envy those people who can say they feel at home.

I envy those people who can remember and feel at all.

Because I can't sure if I can. Not the way a normal person would. But how am I to know when I was brought up in a house full of expectation and restriction? A house that serves as my shelter and my cell during my younger years? A house that I ran away from and came back years after?

What is it with this feeling I can't seem to grasp?

Then I see it in Natsuki's eyes—nostalgia.

I envy her right now and there's a part of me that hated her for having that feeling, for understanding that elusive feeling.

When do I get the chance to experience something like that?

Then I see her eyes turn glassy as if she's remembering more than she should.

_Her past. _

Somehow this place symbolizes her past. A past I'm not aware of. A past I'm afraid to learn about.

Afraid.

I didn't realize that there many things I can be and should be afraid of—death, abandonment, harassment…and others are already given. I realize these things, these many things that I should fear but right now what I fear the most is what I currently see in Natsuki eyes—remembrance.

Remembrance.

Of her past.

Of the life she once had.

Of the life she _might_ wished to have once again.

Again.

An imagery that is so easy to conceive for someone like me—alone.

I'm afraid that I'll be alone.

Alone even though surrounded by many.

Alone even though watched and observed daily.

Alone even though beloved and admired excessively.

Like a painting. Like a painting in a canvas. Like a painting in a canvas being exhibited in a museum.

Akin to a painting I'm seen by many but only understood by a few handfuls. And from what I see from Natsuki's eyes, among the many self-proclaimed critics, she's the only who can straight through me.

That's what I believe and that why I'm afraid.

Because now that I've finally found someone who I love and luckily love me in return. Someone who can dissect the real me with a single glance. Someone who I can be free and be done with all pretences.

To live honestly and not to act accordingly to a script. A script exclusively written for Shizuru Fujino.

I like the Shizuru Fujino who can be free around Natsuki Kuga.

I like the Shizuru Fujino who can smile without tears threatening to escape from her eyes.

I like the Shizuru Fujino who can feel and experience things like a normal person would.

Normal.

This is normal right? To feel unsettled. To have anxiety deep within. To be uncertain of the unpredictable future or of the hold that past may have.

I feel normal when I'm with Natsuki.

I feel normal because of her.

_Normally I only feel because of her._

That's why I'm afraid. That's why I fear of her past. Because what if Natsuki decided that what she had in the past is what she wanted after all? That this—our present, our blossoming love—is only a fleeting event for her? A temporary shelter. A momentary refuge. Or maybe a replacement of some sort?

A replacement.

I don't want her to look at me and see me as such.

A replacement.

I don't want her to be with me half-heartedly.

A replacement.

I don't want her to love me because she has no other choice.

What we have is too strong, too real and too honest to be called a lie. But right now we're in a bubble. In a safe place where no one can touch us. We dived into the heart of the ocean and found our shelter, but what would happen if we re-surfaced to the ground? Will the air suffocate us? Will it be enough for the both of us? Will there be any air for us…?

Air.

"Breathe, Natsuki. Please darling, breathe." I say in hush tones. Natsuki is still in trance, her eyes transfix onto me but I know she's being trap by her past.

I already hate her past.

I already hate it because it can make her like this—stuttering and babbling like a child.

I already hate it because I don't know what it is—the stories and truths it holds.

I already hate it because I am afraid of what it'll mean—to Natsuki, for me…for us.

I am afraid and yet I still want to know it.

Before I set to this journey I already promised and told myself that if ever I find that someone who I will love, that I will love that person with all that I am, that I will love wholeheartedly and not choose which side of that person to love or not to love. I will not pretend to be blind just to be happy.

I will be true at all times.

But this time I decided to turn a blind eye.

I want to know the truth, her past, her everything. But I am human: I am fragile, I am weak, I am simple… I just want to be happy. I just want for us to be happy.

But this past, whatever it is, is not making her, me—us—happy.

So I tell her honestly, "I love you, Natsuki. I love you but I am afraid Natsuki. I am truly afraid…but I promise I won't leave unless you tell me…"

"Huh?" Her shaky green orbs are finally seeing me, registering only one word. "Leave?"

"No, I'm not going to leave…" I explain in a hurry, in a whisper, with confidence I can't trust myself with. "…unless you want me to?" I add with a heavy breath.

She bites her scrumptious lips.

_Those scrumptious lips that I love and like to caress... _

She grabs my shoulders with those beautiful hands of her.

_Those beautiful hands that already touched every inch of me, not failing to leave a trail of bliss and fire every time it lands upon my skin…_

And a single tear falls from her surreal green eyes.

_Surreal green eyes that already seen me in bits and in full, and as the real Shizuru. I hate to see it shed a tear…for me or for anyone else._

Tonight I will pretend.

Only for tonight I will pretend that we're extremely happy with no problems to face.

Only for tonight I will pretend that I am not afraid of her past and of her love.

Only for tonight I will pretend that I did not see the dread in her eyes when I uttered 'I love you'.

Slowly I drown the words, the excuses, the reasons that I'm afraid will come out of her mouth with a passionate kiss. A kiss that will tell her to forget and pretend for the both of us…but mostly for me.

_Mostly it is for me._

I am afraid.

I am selfish.

I am in love.

"I love you," I breathe out as we separate, with one look at my eyes she understands what I wanted to do. Even though it reflects the hunger that never been satiated for her, I am sure it bears the plea for her to forget.

_Please look at me like you used to. Forget the past. Please forget the past._

I know it is useless.

I know it is selfish.

But I am in love.

"I love you," I tell her as I punctuate every kiss in her body, adoring every skin that becomes exposed. I nibble my way to her heart, whispering a silent prayer for it not to waver just like mine.

_Please love me always and forever. I will always love you._

I know it is fruitless.

I know it is selfish.

But I am in love.

"I am so in love with you," I try to say it with my actions and in words. I don't try to look at her in the eye, for my eyes are dwelling tears inside. Unshed tears that will rampage once stared at by those green orbs. Those greens orbs that I love. Of the woman I love.

Tonight I will ravish with all my love. Adore every inch of her in every delicate way possible. With precision I will make my love be known.

With hopes that I can make her forget her past.

With hopes that I can forget that I am afraid of her past.

With hopes that we both can forget _our _past.


	24. Chapter 24

Disclaimer: I used to think I own a heart the way I used to think Shiznat are mine.

Hello, I'd like to thank everyone who are still following and reading despite the gloomy and foreboding vibe of the story. Sure enough we're in the Christmas season but that doesn't stop me tormenting Shiznat! Lol. Not my intention just that I've been reading some angst filled, drama coated, hurt/comfort wrapped stories (my kind of story) and added with a bad hair day, I was inspired to write this one :)

It's ridiculous that all I've been doing was to repeat words (Edit: I meant the style of writing) but it seems to have the intended potent effect so it's all good, yeah? Enough prattle from me. Read and let me know your thoughts afterwards. Thanks :)

**Playlist:** Ni Yao De Ai, Set Fire To The Rain and Let Me Be With You.

P.S.

It's slow right now (well, always) but it'll pick up soonish. Just trust me ;)

_Don't read and think. Read and feel :)))_

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><p><em><strong>Droplets<strong>_

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**24**

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I wake up because of the gentle breeze caressing my face. Its warmth reminding me of the time, of the sun arising, of the new beginning I've yet to welcome.

I hear delightful chirping of birds nearby causing me to smile. Their soft conversations are music to my newly awaken senses.

I slowly open my eyes to see the ray of the sun casting upon me. Tenderly telling me to get up and face the new day.

My smile grows as I recall last night.

The night when I held Natsuki in my arms with a purpose to forget the past, her past specifically, was memorable. Yes, it made me forget but it also gave an overwhelming feeling of remembrance. During our intimate moments I remembered our first times: the first time I laid my eyes upon her, the first time she spoke to me, the first time we embraced and kissed, the first time we admitted our love for one another…each and every memory were in great detail. I can remember them all vividly. Myriad of emotions surged through me, giving me no choice but to let it all out in murmurs of devotion and in tears.

Tears.

I saw Natsuki crying the whole time. The act I thought and hoped that would make those tears stop were the very cause that made her cry even further.

_Why?_

I wanted to ask her.

Is it too difficult to forget?

Are the memories incredibly etched in her heart and mind that she's now unable to forget?

Is her past that unforgettable?

I smile wryly with my hypocritical question. How am I supposed to ask these questions to her when I, myself, am unable to forget my past no matter what I do?

_It really is easier said than done._

Another gust of wind reminded me that I'm awake and not in some cyclic dream of fears and of reality.

Reality.

Yes, we need to face it at some point. By this time, both of our families must have been informed of our little escapade. We cannot afford to stay in this bubble of happiness and safety even if we selfishly wanted to. There'll always come a time that we have to face reality and accept the consequences of our actions.

_I'll happily accept any consequences because I'm with her…Natsuki._

"Natsuki?" I fumble to my right, clasping only an empty space. I've been mulling over our past, of our night before, of what's yet to come that I didn't realize that I'm alone in our makeshift bed. I sit up immediately and my hands didn't really fail me when I hoped it would—Natsuki is not by my side.

I touch her side of the bed and I'm not surprise of its lack of warmth.

_She's been gone for a while… _

Normally I would have gone into hysterics when I was unable to find her but oddly I'm not. I do not have the slightest inclination to shout for her name nor search the house thoroughly. For a while I contemplated that maybe I trust her enough to come back to me that's why I'm not worrying right now. But no, my heart tells me otherwise. It's not wavering because I'm used to it.

I'm _used_ to it.

How pathetic and sad is that?

I reason that probably I've gone accustomed to this emptiness because she's not always there. She hasn't been there all the time.

Even when my soul longs for her, she's not within my reach to calm it.

Even when my heart aches for her, she's not available to heal it.

And even when I can see her, even when she's within my grasp, she's still not there.

Physically she is but with just one glance in her eyes I can tell she's not there…

"We really are damaged," I whisper to myself, assuring myself of what I've been suspecting all along.

"We are…" I hear a voice of agreement. A voice I can distinguish amongst a mob; a voice that brings forth pain and faith at the same time; a voice that I'm willing to hear forever.

"Natsuki," I face her with a feeble smile. I'm half-expecting for her to explain her absence, for her to invalidate what we both said, for her to give me faith in what we have. But she didn't. I am disappointed but I guess she didn't really have to.

"I brought some bread and tea. I'm sure it's not your usual but it's all they have…" she continues but my mind wanders. Because even though she's right in front of me, talking to me with those kissable lips, looking at me with those green orbs that I love… I feel like she's not there. We may be inches apart but the metaphorical distance is there, I can vividly feel it. And when I see her eyes flicker nervously at me briefly, I think…I _know_ she can feel it too.

We're in a weird standoff. Both of us are waiting for the other to say something to finally break the bubble. Both of us know that we cannot stay in here forever. Both of us know that and yet we dance around the subject, talking about irrelevant things to delay the inevitable. Both of us are aware of this, resulting to a terrible and awkward atmosphere.

"I want to stay here forever," I finally say. Her bread is halfway to her mouth, she unceremoniously drops it on her tea with a small splash but she didn't take an effort to move. She let the morsel of bread slide away and swims in the dark, lukewarm tea. Eventually it made contact with the spoon making a resounding clank.

"I want to stay here forever," I say again, hoping that if I repeat it her voice will agree with me as oppose to her disagreeing eyes, "…with you."

"I can't," she says softly, staggering me with those simple words. I expected it but it didn't make the pain and disappointment any less.

"I want to stay here forever with you," I whisper as the first tear of the dawn finally made its appearance.

There's no use stopping it.

There's no way to stop it.

There's no _reason_ for me to stop it.

So I let it, I let it go freely.

"I can't."

"I want to stay here forever with you," I reiterate, ignoring her answer, wishing she'd finally agree. To tell me something I want to hear even if it's not the truth. "Stay with me, please."

But she didn't. Instead she tells another truth I'm unwilling to hear, to accept. "_We_ can't."

"I want to stay with you…"

"You know, you can't…You know, you can't be with me…" she painfully states in between sobs.

"I want to be with you!" I shout louder for the second time. Thinking that if I say it louder and more often it'll become true. But it didn't.

Then I see Natsuki's eyes which I've been avoiding since my initial outburst.

Her eyes are reflecting what I feel.

Her eyes are shedding the same tears I unreservedly let go.

Her eyes are telling me what we both already know.

"Shizuru, we can't be together."

"I know, Natsuki….I know…"

_Even when I wished I didn't._


	25. Chapter 25

Disclaimer: I don't own them. To be honest I don't want to. Shiznat are for the world to admire.

I wonder if I can still write words that can resonate feelings.

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><p><span><strong><em>Droplets<em>**

**_by_**

**_WhenAnxietyKicksIn_**

**_._**

**_._**

**_._**

**_Chapter_**

**_25_**

**_._**

**_._**

**_._**

Truth.

It is difficult to face the truth.

It is difficult to accept the truth.

It is difficult to live with the truth.

"_Shizuru, we can't be together."_

As soon as I saw those eyes of hers, carrying a world full of burden and pain just like mine, I knew we can't be together.

_You can't be together with her Shizuru._

_I know._

We can't be together no matter how much we want our present reality, where we belong in each others' arms, to be our future reality. We can't be together no matter how many tears and sleepless nights we are willing to endure. We can't be together no matter how frequent we say we love each other, that we belong together forever.

Others might say we could try…_I _wish we could try.

Try.

We know we can try to make it work.

We know we can try to make it better.

We know we can try to make it…together but we both know we can't.

We _can't._

_She knows this too, Shizuru._

_I know._

We are not naive to think that it's something that is so easy to achieve only because we want to. It's not something we can acquire because we prayed hard for it. It's not something we can demand because it's our heart's desire.

Desire.

We could only desire for that place we could call our home. We could only desire for time to stay still and never go on. We could only desire that our love can be enough.

But it can never be enough for we are broken.

_Shizuru, you're both broken._

_I know._

Broken.

Broken individually.

Broken collectively.

Broken as two and as one.

Two broken individuals cannot make a perfect circle for they are simple too broken for each other to fit together.

"It hurts, Shizuru, it hurts so much," she whispers so quietly, so composed and yet seemingly threatening to break. _I know, Natsuki, I know_ is all I want to say but voicing it doesn't make it less true. So I don't. I stare at her eyes longer, I hold her hands tighter so I could tell her that I know, that I understand and that I see the truth.

The truth.

That we are both damaged and hurt.

That in our current state we will always look in our future with our past in our eyes.

That as long as we're stuck in our past we can never move on.

Move on.

It is easier to say that we can move on together. That we can try to help each other to move on. That we can try to help each other to heal one another. That we can try to help 'us' so we could be together again. But we are no fools. We are in love but we are no fools.

They say that once you fall in love, you become a slave of love, a fool because of love, and a crazy prophet of love. These are all true at some point. At some point you feel so much that you are blinded with joy and happiness because of the future you can both share together. Then there comes a point that you feel so much that you want to do everything you want for that special someone; that perfect someone that you want to be together with for the rest of your life. After which, you'll feel that it's not enough to contain this much emotion, this so much feeling that you had to preach it to everyone else. You want your love to be heard, to be true. You want it to be more than just love that you can feel. You want your love with that special someone to be your world…your _everything_. But that is only a part of being in love, a half of the whole, the slice of fantasy and romance in the plane we call reality.

Sometimes we are so attuned to what we feel that we forget to think rationally. Sometimes we are so comfortable of our love bubble that we forget to see outside of that bubble. Sometimes we are so engulf by feelings that we forget to feel anything else.

Why?

Why is it easier to feel and stay in this bubble?

Why is it easier to be consumed so severely by something so superfluous and yet so deep?

Why is it easier to allow ourselves to be blinded by which our eyes cannot really see?

Why?

Because we are afraid.

We pretend because we are afraid.

_Afraid._

Afraid that our love bubble will disappear—along with our hopes and dreams.

Afraid that our love bubble will disintegrate—along with our carefully constructed walls and ceilings.

Afraid that our love bubble will dissipate—along with our future, our life together.

Bubble.

Perhaps our love is just like a bubble? Thin, transparent and fragile.

So thin that it feels like we're dreaming our reality—that fine lining between waking up in your own dream and dreaming while awake in your reality.

So transparent it seems like we're naked to everyone else—that scary sensation that what you feel is so real that it's obvious even to a child.

So fragile it appears like it'll burst any moment—that ominous possibility you will yourself to forget even for just a second.

A second.

For a second a bubble can fly up in the air or somewhere where you cannot reach.

For a second a bubble can pop so fast you barely noticed that it's no longer there.

For a second a bubble can disappear easily and you cannot do anything about it.

You cannot do something about it because it's a bubble.

It's not a balloon that you can embrace and keep close so it won't fly away.

It's not a balloon with a string; a string that you can tie to your wrist so it won't drift away.

It's not a balloon with a stick; a stick you can hold on so no one can steal it away.

_Away._

That day seems so far away.

_Day. _

On that faithful day, our hands were tied together—tight and light—not wanting to let each other go. Our eyes were faithfully staring at each other's—with tears and fears—not wanting to freely let them go. Our lips both shut tight—in twist and knots—not wanting to let the words we both know to be let go.

_Go._

"I must go," I finally say after what seems like a lifetime of silence. A silence that is so deafening I wanted to scream.

"I know," she replies, tears finally falling from her beautiful eyes.

She knows.

She knows that we can't be together with the way we are. She knows that we can't walk the same path together. She knows that we can't be together if we walk the same path together.

Together.

Together we know that we can't fix one another. We both have our own demons to face, monsters to defeat, and reality to accept.

Together we know that we can't heal one another. We have our own unique ailments to conquer and specific cures to create.

Together we know that we can't help one another…not really. We are our own people, we are our own person, we are our own selves…ourselves that doesn't need fixing or helping. What we both need are time and patience.

Time and patience.

Time to heal ourselves in our own medicine—the one we concocted by ourselves not because of each other's emergency but because of our own vitality.

Time to see the world—the world for what it really is—with eyes carrying no fear of future retribution or irreparable consequences.

Time to experience life to its fullest with our own two feet—one step at a time, slowly but surely.

And patience.

Patience so that our love will not just be a bubble—thin, transparent and fragile.

Patience so that our damaged selves can be mended—not new, but mended to be strong and resilient to stand on its own.

Patience so that our dreams are not far from reality—a tiny distance that we can both reach if we step together hand-in-hand in the future.

In the future.

Hand-in-hand.

_Together._


	26. Chapter 26

Disclaimer: No. I don't own anything.

Things are not boding well in my end. The letter 'v' on my keyboard doesn't work along with the other hotkeys. I don't know what happened. Also a friend abandoned me. Oh wells.

Anyway, here's the 26th chapter of Picaturi. I don't know how long this will go on exactly, but it's not too far until we see the end of the road me thinks. However before that happens I'd like to thank everyone whose encouragement and silliness got through me before and in particular, yesterday. I was lost yesterday on what to do with the story so I read through the reviews and subsequently made me remember why I liked sharing this story. Special mention to the following stubborn anons who refuse to register their names: PotatoKiller, she-who-must-not-be-named and Anon12345. Register you dorks so I could finally pm and thank you personally!

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><p><strong><span><em>Droplets<em>**

**by**

**WhenAnxietyKicksIn**

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**Chapter**

**26**

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_I came back once again. _

With a heavy heart, a troubled mind, and a weakened soul.

I feel too much and too little that the ground could open up and swallow me whole and I wouldn't even notice.

I feel too much and too little that a speeding car could drag me across the street and I wouldn't even care.

I feel too much and too little that someone could slap me silly and I wouldn't even flinch.

I feel too much and too little and then…nothing.

_Nothing. _

I pretend to hear nothing as I enter the mansion. I tried my best not to hear the two dozen or so whispers of care and judgement.

But I can't.

I hear them all loud and clear—so loud and so clear that I could dictate each and every word they say.

I hear them all even as I will myself to hear another tune—a tune that will make their words, no matter how true they seem, to be static and unrecognizable.

I hear them all that it makes me want to scream so loud that I won't hear anything—a scream that could drown the noise and myself to a world of silence.

_Nothing._

I pretend to see nothing as I continue my way to my room. I tried my best not to see the two dozen or so faces crudely carved of care and judgement.

But I can't.

I see them all perfectly well—so perfect I could draw their faces in my mind.

I see them all even as I will myself to picture a faceless mob—a mob of faceless strangers that I will forget after a single meeting.

I see them all that it makes me want to close my eyes and see nothing at all—close my eyes to the blinding light and open it to the infinite darkness.

_Nothing. _

I pretend to feel nothing as I sit on my bed and as they wait for me to say a word. I tried my best not to feel the stare, the expectation, the explanation needed of the two dozen or so howling emotions of care and judgement.

But I can't.

I feel them all with outstanding clarity—so outstandingly clear that they don't need to speak or move to show me how they feel.

I feel them all even as I will myself to protect myself from those buzzing feelings surrounding me—a protection, a barrier, a wall that will hold to keep me safe from the overpowering aura they all emit.

I feel them all that it makes me want to feel everything all at once and then out it goes—to feel every single thing to the point I couldn't take it anymore, to the point that I couldn't feel anymore.

But I can't.

I hear, see, and feel in such detail, in such a way that it seems I'm in a slow motion film. Everything it seems is in high definition which makes it harder for me to push it all away. I can't find the remote, the switch to turn these all away.

I want to scream. I want to shout. I want for everyone to leave me alone. But I can't. I can't find my voice. I can't find the energy to say anything at all. I can't…do anything at all.

I suppose this is a way for me to punish myself for what I've done. These people are the ones I've wronged and left behind. They have the right to be angry, happy and worried that I am back. They deserve an explanation or a reason for my actions but I can't. I can't give them that.

Even I don't have a reason.

I already had that special someone, that very special someone who could light up my world and what did I do?

_I let her go._

I already had that chance to be free and happy with the love of my life and what did I do?

_I let her go._

I already had love, the one I've sought for years and years, and what did I do?

_I let her go._

Even though I didn't want to.

I want to keep her by my side, to be with me all the time. I want her to be the first thing that I see when I open my eyes. I want her to be there as I lie still on my bed until I slowly fall asleep. I want to hold her hand, tight and tender, so I could never let go.

_But you did…let her go._

I did.

I'm perfectly aware of what I did.

I let her go because it was the right thing to do. We are broken and we both know we can't fix each other. We are broken and we need to let go.

_You have a reason to let her go...you both have a reason to let each other go._

But it's not exactly a reason anyone would ever believe. It is a reason that will not appease anyone including my own heart.

My heart.

My heart is torn.

I am torn.

I'm so torn of what has come about that I want to do it all over again. I want to go back so I could repeat that faithful day and change my decision altogether.

_But it's the right thing to do…_

I know.

I know it is the right thing to do.

Even now I still know that it is but it doesn't make things easier. It doesn't make the pain to be lighter. It doesn't make my ailing heart any better.

Yes, it is the right thing to do but why…?

Why do I feel so bad?

Why do I feel like crying my eyes out?

Why do I feel the need to bash my head onto the wall repeatedly until I could successfully evade the pain that I feel in my heart?

Broken.

Wounded.

Hurt.

That's what I am. That's what I've become. That's what I feel.

I want to hurt myself so bad to make the pain, the noise and the what ifs to go away.

_Please go away. Please…_

"Are you done now?"

A familiar voice managed to break into my trance. It was then I realized that the deafening chatter no longer surrounds me. I gradually lift my head to see this person, whose voice demands guilt and explanation.

Yukio.

It's my younger brother, Yukio.

I bit my lips in hesitation for I could see the anger in his eyes. I'm aware that I could not say his name so lightly like before. I could not pretend that I don't know what he means. I could not pretend at all.

"Are you done now?" He says again, his voice full of control and yet laced with venomous anger and bitterness. I know that tone so well. I know that far too well.

I bit my lips harder as I close my eyes.

I know what he's feeling.

I know it perfectly well.

I know for I have been there.

_I know what he wants._

As I open my eyes again to look at his eyes, I see that there's use for me to lie and pretend. There's no use for me to round-about the story to make the truth bearable. There's no use for me to be silent for he already knows.

_He knows._

I could see it in his eyes—furious and yet full of bitter understanding—to his trembling jaw and fist.

_He knows._

And that's when it hit me.

He's not like me from before, the Shizuru who needs explanation and reassurance. He's not the Shizuru from before who hates the silence to the core. He's not the Shizuru from before who doesn't know the truth.

_He knows. _

He is here. He is here, angry and demanding for me to speak not because he wanted me to tell the truth.

He knows and he is here because he wanted me to lie. He is more like the Shizuru of today, of this moment wherein she wanted nothing else for the truth to be a lie.

Lie.

"I can't do what you wish for me to do…" I tell him softly, wishing, hoping that the blow will be less. But it doesn't for his face reveals it all.

"Why? Why does it have to be you?" His voice, along with his spirit, is breaking. He stumbles on my bed and asks feebly, "Why does it have to be…her?"

I stare at his eyes, the very same as mine, the very same that were exuding so much hatred a few seconds ago. Now all I see are eyes filled with misery and helplessness. I see his eyes and I know they reflect mine. And even though all I wanted is to see nothing, to hear nothing and to feel nothing, I know that he deserves more than nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing in this world could possibly take my love for Natsuki and frighteningly so I could sense that it's the same way for Yukio. I could sense that what he feels is true. But he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve to be hurt like this.

So I tell him the truth that we both already know. "I'm sorry, but it has always been Natsuki."

I exhale deeply as I open up even more. "It has to be her, Yukio. It has to be her."

Tears.

It was then I see the first tears of Yukio trickling down on his face.

This man—who was once a boy in my eyes—never cried even when he tripped on his own feet and broke his wrist.

This man—who used to make silly faces in private to make me laugh—vowed to uplift the prestige of the Fujino clan even before he knew the vastness of its responsibility.

This man—whom I've always thought to be a boy, my younger brother—is my beloved's fiancé: the one who led Natsuki to the altar; the one who wanted to be Natsuki's husband; the one who asked Natsuki to wear a wedding dress.

Yukio.

_He is crying._

He cries louder and louder, showing that he's not a boy pretending to be a man but a man whose heart has been broken.

Broken.

Yukio is now broken too.

Is this what falling in love really entails? Why does it have to be like this? Why can't it be like in the movies where the couple can live happily ever after?

After.

I thought that after finding that special someone, that someone you can truly say that you love then the rest will be easy. It will become easier because love can sustain it all. Love, as they say, is all what you need.

But why?

Why?

Why does love have to turn into a vicious storm? Hurling and breaking anyone on its path, not caring the receiver of its wrath. I'm well aware that I belong to this whirlpool of a disaster but I didn't know the extent of its reach. I didn't know that it could reach and hurt anyone else.

Why?

_Why does it have to be Yukio?_

"I'm sorry."

That's all I could say.

I know it won't suffice. I know it will never be enough. I know it won't do Yukio any justice but it's all I could say.

"I'm sorry."

And with that I embrace my younger brother, finally letting the tears I've been keeping all along to freely flow in the hopes that at least one of us can fully and truly…

"Let her go."


End file.
